Hello Dr. Dennis,
I’ve been dating this girl and to me it seems that she doesn’t value herself enough. She does/says things that in my opinion, only a hoe, or a girl becoming one would do/say. She likes talking about sex, gets bothered if we don’t, has said that it’s like a regular conversation to her, and is uncommonly for a girl, very open about sex in general.

She also recently said that she has accepted that she isn’t a challenge when it comes to having sex with her. The reason she mentioned that was because I had previously tried to help her see that for a girl to talk about sex so often and leave nothing to the imagination, it’s not really attractive. Once in a while it is, but not all the time. I told her it’s often more attractive when it’s a challenge.

I honestly like her, so I guess that’s why I tried to make her understand that her and I don’t have to have sex all the time for me to be happy, because I like her for who she is aside from that. But I fear that maybe she isn’t entirely “easy” in that sense because she wants to make me happy. I fear that she might just be a hoe or heading in that direction.

She says she’s always been that way when it came to sex. So I assume it’s possible she had a low self-esteem with guys and gave it up to them to satisfy them or whatever the case was.

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble on for days, I’m sure you get the picture. How do I save her; so to speak? I do really like her and care about her. I’ve already talked to her about all this somewhat, but I want to make sure how to go about this.

Hello!
What makes you think it’s not “common” for women to talk about sex all the time? Have you ever heard a bunch of women talking to each other in real life? (Not in the movies!) Damn – they talk about sex ALL the time!

This doesn’t make the girl a “ho” (not a “hoe” – that’s a garden tool) It means she has a strong sense of her own sexuality. That’s actually an incredibly good thing! You should be EXCITED about that.

…Unless you don’t feel that good about YOUR sexuality.

Here’s the reality: there’s nothing to “save” here. If your sexual sensibilities are so different than hers, then she’s simply not the girl for you. More to the point, you’re simply not the guy for HER! In fact, her self-esteem is just great and I’ll explain how I know that in a moment. It’s YOU that I’m worried about here.

There is nothing so fundamental or powerful than a person’s sexuality. It is the basis of every other thing you are. It dictates everything from the clothes you wear to the car you drive to the friends you have to the words you choose to use.

This girl has an extremely strong, HEALTHY sense of her own sexuality. Don’t stifle that! Don’t create stigma in her mind about it. It’s not fair to inflict YOUR problems with sex on her! Whereas she has a very healthy sense of it, you see it as a threat.

So much of our culture is about trying to repress people’s sexuality. Do you know why? It’s simple: as I’ve said, there is nothing more powerful or fundamental as someone’s sexuality. Christianity and governments figured this out a long time ago! If you can get control over someone’s sexuality – how, when and with whom they have sex – then you control and effectively “own” that person. Further, it doesn’t matter HOW you control it – by redirecting it, making someone think it’s dirty or wrong or repressing it altogether.

This is exactly what you’re trying to do with her! Instead of embracing her sexual strength and health and benefiting from it, you’re trying to get me to help you undermine it.

DON’T DO THAT! Focus on yourself and YOUR issues here. Start asking yourself why you have this problem with your girlfriend. Hers is the model to follow. Yours is the one to correct.

Best regards…
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder. All rights reserved.

Dear Dr. Neder,
I’m a woman, wondering about having an orgasm.

How do you actually know if you’re having one? How do you know if you’re at your climax point of being stimulated if you’ve never had one before? When do you know you can’t go any higher?
Thanks for all your help.

Hello!
As I’m sure you probably know, there are many women that have never had an orgasm. It seems unfair to me that some women can climax many, many times, and others have never had a single one!

The climax is actually an important physiological function! It helps to stimulate the nervous system and actually opens up communication channels within the body. It causes hormone production; it relieves stress and actually reduces pain due to its endorphin-releasing effect. In short the orgasm is very important!

So, how do you know if you’ve ever cum? If you’re not sure, you probably haven’t. It’s not that you can pinpoint very specific sensations or feelings as different women often report different things. Some say that their climaxes are huge physical and emotional explosions and others say that they feel like electric waves washing through their bodies. Still others say it is just a “profound sense of well-being”. It’s no wonder there is such confusion about the female climax!

The first question to ask is: do you masturbate? Almost everyone does and it’s an important aspect to a person’s sexuality, but a few women (and even fewer men) don’t. That is a big mistake because if you don’t understand your own sexual response, how will anyone else? Further, how will you learn to communicate to someone what you need to reach climax, and when you’ve actually done it? Let’s face it, there isn’t a big red flag on your ass that goes up when you cum! So, if you don’t masturbate yet, that’s the first place to start. I won’t go into all of the technique or issues around masturbating here as it’s outside your particular question.

Next, if you do masturbate, what do you get from it? Is it just a sense of relief or relaxation, or is it a private place where you can explore fantasies? This is another critical key to understanding your own sexual response. Fantasies are rich and powerful ways to understand yourself. They have no other equal.

As far as being able to “turn it up” – that is, to increase the sensation and benefit of an orgasm, you first have to understand what in yourself produces them. You see, even when you’re with a partner, your orgasm is something YOU create – not that someone else gives you! Once you understand this, and when you learn to manage your own sexual response, then you can begin to explore what things make them grow.

Many women find that vocalizing helps to improve their orgasms. Others find that breathing, (or not breathing!) makes it better. Some find that certain positions stimulate them in ways that produces better orgasms, or that certain kinds of sex (like oral sex) makes it work. Still others find that certain kinds of muscular tension improve the sensation. Every woman is different!

I actually have been with women that were non-orgasmic when I met them and became easily orgasmic once they began to understand their own sexual responses. I’m not bragging here – these women did this themselves – I only provided a loving, caring, accepting environment in which they could explore these things without guilt! Some of these women can even climax at will – just from being hugged or kissed for instance!

So, you have everything in you right now to take your own sexuality anywhere you want it to go. All you have to do is to open yourself up to the possibilities and start to discover what about you makes you go “Ohhhhhh!”

Best regards…
Dennis Neder