Hi Doc,
I have a question about girls that play “hard to get”. I know you tell guys (and girls) not to play this game, but I’ve read other articles that say that girls should do this. What’s your take on that?
Thanks!

Hello!
The “other side” is bullshit. Here’s why:

1) What’s the difference between some girl that plays these games and a girl that is simply not interested in you? Answer: nothing – they seem to be exactly the same. Why would you waste your time on someone that isn’t interested when there are so many great girls out there that are?

2) Playing these “dumb girl games” (“DGG’s”) makes you play your hand and keeps the girl from doing the same. Thus, you have absolutely no idea where she’s coming from.

3) In reality, girls that do this are never of the value they want you to think they are. In fact, the vast majority of men that ever do get with these girls realize they weren’t worth all the effort in the first place! Consider this: a girl can either put all her effort into becoming a great partner for the guy she wants to meet or she can put almost no effort in and play these stupid games. Which girl would you rather be with?

4) Game-players should just carry two signs around their necks:

a) “I don’t know what I’m doing. Feel free to come play me, use me and dump me.”
b) “I’m all-game and nothing more. Please don’t expect too much from me because if I had any real skills or real value, I wouldn’t need these games in the first place!”

5) Ultimately, this is about power – who has it and who reacts to it. Power is the #1 most important thing that women find attractive in men. Powerful men don’t play these games with girls. They decide what they want up front and find women that will give it to them. Seriously: do you think that Brad Pitt or Sean Connery or anyone that already has the power would play these DGG’s?

6) These games were originally forged during a time when dating was very different – as I said, during the time of your grandparents. Gender roles were very different for instance – and so were expectations. Girls today have a real sense of entitlement. They actually think that they deserve men that are in the top 5% of every category when they, themselves aren’t even in the top 50%! They want to “date up”. Men that are willing to play these games, prove that they aren’t in the top 5%. Thus, they lose value and in the vast majority of the cases – the girl too.

7) Frankly, all of this is pretty humiliating! Why would any self-respecting man accept being put through all of this in the first place? Answer: he wouldn’t. Only men that lack self-respect do this. Further, by actually playing the game, you further erode your own self-image because you always wind up feeling like an idiot for getting played!

What most of the dumb girls don’t understand about this is that there are actually guys that WILL play these games with them – willingly! The problem is that these guys aren’t into the girls at all. They are into the games. Thus, as soon as they “win”, they bang the girl and then dump her looking for someone else to play them with. These girls get very jaded very quickly and actually begin blaming the guys instead of the game!

9) There are so many BETTER ways to deal with women! This is a loss-leader from the very beginning and just goes down from there.

10) As I said before, this all comes from a time when things were very different. The so-called “experts” in those articles don’t know at all what they’re doing or recommending. They heard it from someone else and simply vomited it back up as their own. Thus, they don’t even know why this stuff doesn’t work and just go around doing damage to those people that actually buy into this ridiculous crap – all without having any real tools to teach.

11) Most guys today don’t know these games, don’t know how to play them and don’t know why doing so is such an end-game. Again, a power and value loss.

12) When a girl starts on this path, how does she ever get off of it? If she just “comes clean” she seems like she was lying about things all along – and then becomes a girl you can’t trust anyway. If she never lets on, you’ll lose interest pretty damn quickly. Why would you continue to take this sort of rude beating over and over again when there so many smarter – and frankly, much, much better – girls out there? Answer: you won’t.

Do I need to go on?

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Hello Dr. Neder,
My good friend has asked you a few questions and spoke very highly of the advice you’ve given him and the results he’s received. I’ll take his word for it, and try to keep this brief, but I do want to give you the some background.

I’m 23 and have a good degree and career. Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a young woman. We live about an hour away. I have known her and her family for 6 years – she is the younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In fact, I’ve spent many weekends with their family, was in my best friend’s wedding party, and adore the parents. I think the feelings on that are all mutual.

My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time boyfriend six months ago. Before the date, I was warned by that “…she still has some feelings leftover from that.” It became clear on the date that she was still hurting over it. I was getting mixed body language from her about “making a move” and decided that no one has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold hands – and so I went for it. She got a little uncomfortable, pulled her hand away, and we kept on chatting.

The next morning, my date called her sister and told her how wonderful of a time she’d had with me, but felt uncomfortable that I’d “made a move” and didn’t know what to do. Knowing me as well as she does, my friend told her to talk to me about this, and assured her that I’d understand, and would really appreciate the openness of communication. She told me she DID want to keep spending time with me, on the condition that I understood she’s in a “romantically anxious place right now,” and that this isn’t going anywhere “right at this very moment.” I assured her we were on the same page, that I too wanted to continue ‘getting to know her,’ and that – unless she gave me a painfully obvious “HOLD MY HAND, DUMMY” sign, I’d keep my hands to myself.

Since then, we’ve communicated almost every day. While this is great, our communication has been exclusively electronic. We’ve only talked on the phone once, which was when I called to tell her I was heading over to pick her up. I’ve tried calling her in the past and she’ll respond to a voicemail with a text. We text, we talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. She’s forcing some distance – but she’s told me why. For the time being I’m trying to swim WITH the tide, rather than against it.

So, here are my questions.

1: I’m going to be in her town next weekend. How far in advance should I let her know I’ll be there? I don’t want to seem like I’m planning my trips around her.

2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner and drinks at her favorite bar. Since this one is an “un-date” should I do something that won’t FEEL like a date, or is that not a bad thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon? Lunch and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait… that’s what I’m NOT supposed to say to her. Right.)

3: I’m desperately afraid I’m going to wind up in the friend zone with her. How do I toe the line between “just being friends for now” and “just being friends forever?”

4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not push the ‘phone call’ thing?

Thank you for the wonderful service you provide here on All Experts. I greatly look forward to the sage advice my friend speaks so highly of.

Hello!

Your friend spoke “highly” of the advice he received here? Hmmm…maybe he didn’t understand it then!

Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding hands is “making a move”??? Seriously? Come on here, what are you two, 12-years old? Holding hands isn’t much of a “move” at all! In fact, kissing isn’t a “move” either! These are very simple, minor-as-hell things that people who are enjoying each other’s company do. Let’s keep things in perspective here!

If she’s uncomfortable about this, how uncomfortable do you think she’d be about sex; let alone a relationship? If you give this any credibility whatsoever, you’re simply reinforcing this ridiculous issue! Don’t do that – treat it as the non-issue that it is!

Now, let’s deal with this “romantically anxious place” crap. So what? She’s still having problems with an ex-boyfriend 6 months ago? Seriously – SIX MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the hell are you expected to be this girl’s therapist? Why all the pressure on you to walk on egg shells here – and none on this girl to grow the fuck up already?? You are both ADULTS here! You’re not children. If she thinks she is, she is NOT ready to be in ANY relationship – not even the one that broke up 1/2 a year ago!!!

You are giving all of this far too much credence and therefore, creating a problem rather than expecting everyone to start acting like adults already. What’s going to happen next, are you and your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you won’t try to hold hands with this girl ever again??? Come on already!

STOP being “Mr. Sensitive” here and start being the man in this situation! Do you think this girl (or ANY girl) will ever feel safe and secure with you if you actually put up with this ridiculous child’s game? Answer: absolutely not! They’ll go find some guy like me that knows better and will dump your ass for being so dumb. Don’t be dumb!

Whew! That felt better…on to your questions:

1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than that.

2) DO NOT go on an “un-date”! DO NOT go hang out with this girl! If she’s now going to be your buddy, she’ll never be anything else to you. Don’t waste your time, money or resources on that. Lunch and butt sex would be FAR better than this! Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up before you get there – and go on a REAL date one of the nights you’re there. That means you’re going to hold her damn hand and kiss her like real adults on a real date. If she can’t handle that, don’t waste your time with her – give her another 20 years to grow up!

3) You’re already there! This needs to be how you’re going to get out of it, not being afraid you’ll wind up there! You can’t be friends now and something else in the future. If you really get into that situation, it’s game over.

4) Look. I’ve spent a lot of quality time in your state. I’ve done hunting seminars and taking packs of guys out to meet some incredible girls. You guys are no different there than we are over here on the “left coast”. YOU on the other hand want to think somehow you are!

There’s no “swimming with the tide” going on here – this is all about YOU swimming up-stream!

Dating and building a relationship – even a potential one – is your job, not hers. If you don’t know how adults date or what your roll should be or any of 1001 other important points that would make you think any of this is ok, then I strongly encourage you to read my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II” and learn how things REALLY work.

Best regards…
————————————————–
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Dr. Neder,
My good friend has asked you a few questions and spoke very highly of the advice you’ve given him and the results he’s received. I’ll take his word for it, and try to keep this brief, but I do want to give you the some background.

I’m 23 and have a good degree and career. Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a young woman. We live about an hour away. I have known her and her family for 6 years – she is the younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In fact, I’ve spent many weekends with their family, was in my best friend’s wedding party, and adore the parents. I think the feelings on that are all mutual.

My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time boyfriend six months ago. Before the date, I was warned by that “…she still has some feelings leftover from that.” It became clear on the date that she was still hurting over it. I was getting mixed body language from her about “making a move” and decided that no one has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold hands – and so I went for it. She got a little uncomfortable, pulled her hand away, and we kept on chatting.

The next morning, my date called her sister and told her how wonderful of a time she’d had with me, but felt uncomfortable that I’d “made a move” and didn’t know what to do. Knowing me as well as she does, my friend told her to talk to me about this, and assured her that I’d understand, and would really appreciate the openness of communication. She told me she DID want to keep spending time with me, on the condition that I understood she’s in a “romantically anxious place right now,” and that this isn’t going anywhere “right at this very moment.” I assured her we were on the same page, that I too wanted to continue ‘getting to know her,’ and that – unless she gave me a painfully obvious “HOLD MY HAND, DUMMY” sign, I’d keep my hands to myself.

Since then, we’ve communicated almost every day. While this is great, our communication has been exclusively electronic. We’ve only talked on the phone once, which was when I called to tell her I was heading over to pick her up. I’ve tried calling her in the past and she’ll respond to a voicemail with a text. We text, we talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. She’s forcing some distance – but she’s told me why. For the time being I’m trying to swim WITH the tide, rather than against it.

So, here are my questions.

1: I’m going to be in her town next weekend. How far in advance should I let her know I’ll be there? I don’t want to seem like I’m planning my trips around her.

2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner and drinks at her favorite bar. Since this one is an “un-date” should I do something that won’t FEEL like a date, or is that not a bad thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon? Lunch and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait… that’s what I’m NOT supposed to say to her. Right.)

3: I’m desperately afraid I’m going to wind up in the friend zone with her. How do I toe the line between “just being friends for now” and “just being friends forever?”

4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not push the ‘phone call’ thing?

Thank you for the wonderful service you provide here on All Experts. I greatly look forward to the sage advice my friend speaks so highly of.

Hello!
Your friend spoke “highly” of the advice he received here? Hmmm…maybe he didn’t understand it then!

Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding hands is “making a move”??? Seriously? Come on here, what are you two, 12-years old? Holding hands isn’t much of a “move” at all! In fact, kissing isn’t a “move” either! These are very simple, minor-as-hell things that people who are enjoying each other’s company do. Let’s keep things in perspective here!

If she’s uncomfortable about this, how uncomfortable do you think she’d be about sex; let alone a relationship? If you give this any credibility whatsoever, you’re simply reinforcing this ridiculous issue! Don’t do that – treat it as the non-issue that it is!

Now, let’s deal with this “romantically anxious place” crap. So what? She’s still having problems with an ex-boyfriend 6 months ago? Seriously – SIX MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the hell are you expected to be this girl’s therapist? Why all the pressure on you to walk on egg shells here – and none on this girl to grow the fuck up already?? You are both ADULTS here! You’re not children. If she thinks she is, she is NOT ready to be in ANY relationship – not even the one that broke up 1/2 a year ago!!!

You are giving all of this far too much credence and therefore, creating a problem rather than expecting everyone to start acting like adults already. What’s going to happen next, are you and your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you won’t try to hold hands with this girl ever again??? Come on already!

STOP being “Mr. Sensitive” here and start being the man in this situation! Do you think this girl (or ANY girl) will ever feel safe and secure with you if you actually put up with this ridiculous child’s game? Answer: absolutely not! They’ll go find some guy like me that knows better and will dump your ass for being so dumb. Don’t be dumb!

Whew! That felt better…on to your questions:

1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than that.

2) DO NOT go on an “un-date”! DO NOT go hang out with this girl! If she’s now going to be your buddy, she’ll never be anything else to you. Don’t waste your time, money or resources on that. Lunch and butt sex would be FAR better than this! Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up before you get there – and go on a REAL date one of the nights you’re there. That means you’re going to hold her damn hand and kiss her like real adults on a real date. If she can’t handle that, don’t waste your time with her – give her another 20 years to grow up!

3) You’re already there! This needs to be how you’re going to get out of it, not being afraid you’ll wind up there! You can’t be friends now and something else in the future. If you really get into that situation, it’s game over.

4) Look. I’ve spent a lot of quality time in your state. I’ve done hunting seminars and taking packs of guys out to meet some incredible girls. You guys are no different there than we are over here on the “left coast”. YOU on the other hand want to think somehow you are!

There’s no “swimming with the tide” going on here – this is all about YOU swimming up-stream!

Dating and building a relationship – even a potential one – is your job, not hers. If you don’t know how adults date or what your roll should be or any of 1001 other important points that would make you think any of this is ok, then I strongly encourage you to read my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II” and learn how things REALLY work.

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Hello Dr. Dennis,
I’ve been dating this girl and to me it seems that she doesn’t value herself enough. She does/says things that in my opinion, only a hoe, or a girl becoming one would do/say. She likes talking about sex, gets bothered if we don’t, has said that it’s like a regular conversation to her, and is uncommonly for a girl, very open about sex in general.

She also recently said that she has accepted that she isn’t a challenge when it comes to having sex with her. The reason she mentioned that was because I had previously tried to help her see that for a girl to talk about sex so often and leave nothing to the imagination, it’s not really attractive. Once in a while it is, but not all the time. I told her it’s often more attractive when it’s a challenge.

I honestly like her, so I guess that’s why I tried to make her understand that her and I don’t have to have sex all the time for me to be happy, because I like her for who she is aside from that. But I fear that maybe she isn’t entirely “easy” in that sense because she wants to make me happy. I fear that she might just be a hoe or heading in that direction.

She says she’s always been that way when it came to sex. So I assume it’s possible she had a low self-esteem with guys and gave it up to them to satisfy them or whatever the case was.

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble on for days, I’m sure you get the picture. How do I save her; so to speak? I do really like her and care about her. I’ve already talked to her about all this somewhat, but I want to make sure how to go about this.

Hello!
What makes you think it’s not “common” for women to talk about sex all the time? Have you ever heard a bunch of women talking to each other in real life? (Not in the movies!) Damn – they talk about sex ALL the time!

This doesn’t make the girl a “ho” (not a “hoe” – that’s a garden tool) It means she has a strong sense of her own sexuality. That’s actually an incredibly good thing! You should be EXCITED about that.

…Unless you don’t feel that good about YOUR sexuality.

Here’s the reality: there’s nothing to “save” here. If your sexual sensibilities are so different than hers, then she’s simply not the girl for you. More to the point, you’re simply not the guy for HER! In fact, her self-esteem is just great and I’ll explain how I know that in a moment. It’s YOU that I’m worried about here.

There is nothing so fundamental or powerful than a person’s sexuality. It is the basis of every other thing you are. It dictates everything from the clothes you wear to the car you drive to the friends you have to the words you choose to use.

This girl has an extremely strong, HEALTHY sense of her own sexuality. Don’t stifle that! Don’t create stigma in her mind about it. It’s not fair to inflict YOUR problems with sex on her! Whereas she has a very healthy sense of it, you see it as a threat.

So much of our culture is about trying to repress people’s sexuality. Do you know why? It’s simple: as I’ve said, there is nothing more powerful or fundamental as someone’s sexuality. Christianity and governments figured this out a long time ago! If you can get control over someone’s sexuality – how, when and with whom they have sex – then you control and effectively “own” that person. Further, it doesn’t matter HOW you control it – by redirecting it, making someone think it’s dirty or wrong or repressing it altogether.

This is exactly what you’re trying to do with her! Instead of embracing her sexual strength and health and benefiting from it, you’re trying to get me to help you undermine it.

DON’T DO THAT! Focus on yourself and YOUR issues here. Start asking yourself why you have this problem with your girlfriend. Hers is the model to follow. Yours is the one to correct.

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder. All rights reserved.

Dear Dr. Neder:

 I just recently became involved with a fellow six years my senior. He is everything I have ever dreamt of; there is just one problem….Me!

 I have always avoided the relationship scene because, frankly, I have no idea how to handle a relationship. I didn’t actually date until I was 18 and didn’t have intercourse until my third semester of college. I was sheltered most of my life so school and family was all I really knew. He and I met online and decided to become “partners” for a while. And then he let me in on his thoughts; to him… I was his girlfriend.

 Even though we had no such discussion, I was happy that he liked me enough to be his girlfriend. But still, the fact that I don’t know how to keep both of us happy at the same time is weighing heavily on my mind. I grew up taking care of kids, elderly and I had lots of friends but honestly I wasn’t very social and didn’t have a female figure to teach me how to act around men. I was raised in an old fashion way really; proper, polite and feminine. And everything I have done is for other people. My whole life has been revolving around making others happy, even people I don’t know. I have been what most call the “goodie two shoes, on everyone’s side, no enemies, too nice even to mean people.” But now I have him, I want to keep him; I want to make him happy and be happy with him. But I’m afraid to loose him because I don’t know how to keep his eyes on me, to keep him interested and to keep myself from being too giving or not giving enough. To be forthright, I haven’t had too much sex in my twenty years of life, so I don’t know too much about it and I am afraid if I give into his wants and desires too much I might loose him. Then again I don’t want to hold back and leave him wanting. I don’t know if I am paranoid or if I have just cause to worry but I need a little advice. I was hoping you could help me?!

 Recently he started talking about three ways. And I know its bad to spy, but he has been on the site that we met on lately, even before the talk of three-ways. He is a very giving man, the only person I have met that wants to make me happy and protect me…but could he have ulterior motives to being so sweet and nice to me? Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with me physically. People just assume that I am still a virgin because of how innocent and naive I seem, not to mention that I look innocent in certain facial features. I just don’t want to end up giving 110% all the time and getting 100% until he is bored or done. And if he is honest and does like me for who I am how do I keep him? How do I keep the relationship alive? What can I do to make ME a better person? I don’t flirt well, I’m not one of those “bible thumpers” as they call them, I’m not nice to make people like me….I just treat others how I want to be treated…but lately I don’t know who I am or what I am all about. I have no idea why I am the way I am. I just need some good advice. And I apologize if my letter is all over the place. I didn’t mean to jump from place to place. I would really appreciate your thoughts. ^_^

 Thank you – take care

 Hello!

 You, my dear, are fucking awesome for even asking this question! Do you know how many women simply assume they know what a man wants and go about giving him that – and nothing that he REALLY wants? He is very lucky, and I’m going to show you how to make his head spin all the way around – happily.

Your background and history and lack of education have little to do with where you’re going here. You’re focused on the right things and that alone is going to help you in ways you can’t even yet imagine. Most of the girls I talk to complain that they aren’t getting what they want; never even considering their partner’s needs. Instead, you realize that by giving him what he wants (and needs) you’re going to get what you want and need – and you will!

Let me start with this: Your belief that giving into his “wants and desires” will cause you to lose him is simply wrong. Think about this: when he’s not with you, he’s out in the world of OTHER women! Do you really want him out there with his trigger cocked and ready to fire? That’s not a very good plan. Instead, you want to send him out into that world completely satisfied with NO interest in anyone else. I’ve never seen a truly satisfied man stray from his partner.

 That’s lesson #1: satisfied men don’t stray. More on this in a minute.

 Let’s talk about your fears here for a moment: all relationships (well, at least all WORTHWHILE relationships) involve the risk of being hurt. If your goal in writing to me is to prevent being hurt, I’m afraid I simply can’t help you there. I’d never help you get into a relationship that was so dull and lacked risk that it wasn’t worthy of your time!

 You’re going to have to realize that as you invest yourself in this relationship (wisely of course – you invest at the rate the relationship returns what you need, recognizing that all of them have “market fluctuations” – up and down and you ride those out) your goal can’t be to avoid risk. It has to be to MANAGE the risk by helping your partner get what he wants in order to give you what you want. It really is a dance of sorts. You give to get. He gives to get. etc. You can’t negotiate away that risk but the risk itself becomes part of the dance. Neither of you wants to be hurt and that is part of the key that keeps you together and moving forward.

 Lesson #2: all worthwhile relationships involve risk and you simply manage it together as a team.

 Regarding your “innocence”: that’s a fine thing and obviously something that he’s attracted to. One of the downsides to being a virgin (and frankly, there are many downsides) is the lack of education in yourself. For men, sex comes somewhat naturally. Nobody is a “good love” right out of the box, but it’s easier for men than it is for women. You have to learn all the things that we are pre-wired to do. One example of this is your orgasm. Women usually have to learn how to bring this about themselves before they can teach their lovers how to do it.

 I hope that during your years of virginity, you were a fantastic masturbator! That’s where things start for most women. Once you know what makes you pop, you can then let your partner in on the tricks you’ve discovered. He’s not likely to know these things without you telling him. This is the value of having a rich, open, communicative sex life! Nothing should be left on the table. You both should be able to talk about everything comfortably in order to not only tell him what you want, but to discover what he wants as well.

 Lesson #3: women are far more complicated sexually than men are.

 With regards to the three-way; you have to start considering this first from your own perspective. There are two types of three-ways between couples: two women, one man and two men, one woman. What are your own thoughts/interests about being with another person? What about someone of your own gender? Again, this is where your own masturbation comes into play. By exploring your own fantasies on these things in a safe, open, non-judgmental way, you can begin to discover what range you bring to your relationship.

 Likewise, it’s just as “valid” to not have any interests here as it is to have them! Let’s say that (at this time) you aren’t interested in a threesome. That’s fine and doesn’t leave you without a way to satisfy your partner’s interests. If your sex is open and healthy, you can fantasize together about these things. Porn is yet another avenue to explore this safely and without having to affect your core relationship.

 I will say this about threesomes: the relationship you have (the “core relationship”) has to be very solid in order to explore this lifestyle. I’d never suggest that you jump into such a thing without lots of discussion and understanding between you two.

 Lesson #4: it’s almost always possible to give your partner exactly what they need without having to risk your relationship to do it.

 So, what do YOU want? What do YOU need? Do you even know? That’s the first place to start in all of this. While it hasn’t been your history to look at your own needs first, any quality relationship requires it. Until you know what you need, you can’t express it to your partner openly and comfortably.

 Realize that this is a step along the way to having a long, healthy and happy relationship. I say “begin with the end in mind”. In other words, know your goals. Know what you want long-term and then start at the beginning to put all the pieces in place to get there.

 The second step by the way is to discover what your partner wants. You’re starting there instead and I suggest you go back to the beginning first. Once that’s done, all you need is to spend some real time getting to know what he needs in order to have the exact relationship he wants.

 The final step in the process is to simply become that woman to him. Do this, and you’ll have everything you could possibly want – much of which you don’t even know you want yet!

 Best regards…

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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

 Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

All rights reserved.

Hello Doc!I have been involved in a relationship for some time now. We have had our ups and our downs. Recently, we decided to date “unofficially” meaning we can both date around but not have sex but can kiss others. This time period of our “unofficial” dating lasted for about two weeks. And when we did it I promised her I would stay committed and not date around and just date her. She did not make that same promise to me.

About a week and a half ago we decided to date officially again and I asked her if she had dated or kissed anyone else. And her reply was no. And all of her friends say that she couldn’t bear to put me through her dating someone else which I see as a good thing. But, we (meaning she) decided we should date unofficially during a high time in our relationship.

What does this mean? I asked her. And I know she has been hurt in the past and doesn’t want me to hurt her but she also once told me that she has all of her trust invested in me. Now, I believe that she didn’t date around (because all of her off time she and me were dating), and didn’t kiss anyone. But did she want to date around or was she scared of me hurting her. She said at first that kissing other guys she would consider cheating on her part. But about a week into being unofficial she randomly changed her mind. I trust her and know that she had a reason to change her mind other then her actually kissing someone else or anything.

She says that she dated around because she wanted to see how important I am to her and that’s why only two weeks into the unofficially we became official again. I think that she was worried about me hurting her. Now we currently are on a high point, but I still want to prove to her that I am not going to hurt her. How do I show this? And how do I show that I know that I am important to her and that she is important to me other then just surprising her because I already do that as much as possible.

Hello!

Here’s how: by being the pussy that you’ve already been in this relationship. Now, not only does she know that she can “trust” you not to hurt her, she also knows that she can walk all over you, do anything she wants to do, change the rules at her own whim, date, kiss or even have sex with other guys, or anything else she wants – all because you made it possible for her.

What in the hell are you thinking? Is this really the kind of relationship you want with her? You’re not responsible for her mental health. So, she’s been hurt before, huh? Boo hoo! Poor baby. All of us have been hurt before. What makes HER so special that she gets to make you responsible for it?

If she wants a real, mature, healthy, adult relationship; that involves risk – just as it does for everyone else. You can’t take away that risk even if you try. The fact remains that she has her own choices to make about her relationship. All you’ve done is given her an excuse to do anything she damn well pleases to do – including walking all over you.

I strongly urge you to get your education about women straightened out. As soon as she meets a real man, she’s going to show you what hurt is. Trust me on this one!

Best regards…
Dennis Neder

Dear Dr. Neder,
I’m a woman, wondering about having an orgasm.

How do you actually know if you’re having one? How do you know if you’re at your climax point of being stimulated if you’ve never had one before? When do you know you can’t go any higher?
Thanks for all your help.

Hello!
As I’m sure you probably know, there are many women that have never had an orgasm. It seems unfair to me that some women can climax many, many times, and others have never had a single one!

The climax is actually an important physiological function! It helps to stimulate the nervous system and actually opens up communication channels within the body. It causes hormone production; it relieves stress and actually reduces pain due to its endorphin-releasing effect. In short the orgasm is very important!

So, how do you know if you’ve ever cum? If you’re not sure, you probably haven’t. It’s not that you can pinpoint very specific sensations or feelings as different women often report different things. Some say that their climaxes are huge physical and emotional explosions and others say that they feel like electric waves washing through their bodies. Still others say it is just a “profound sense of well-being”. It’s no wonder there is such confusion about the female climax!

The first question to ask is: do you masturbate? Almost everyone does and it’s an important aspect to a person’s sexuality, but a few women (and even fewer men) don’t. That is a big mistake because if you don’t understand your own sexual response, how will anyone else? Further, how will you learn to communicate to someone what you need to reach climax, and when you’ve actually done it? Let’s face it, there isn’t a big red flag on your ass that goes up when you cum! So, if you don’t masturbate yet, that’s the first place to start. I won’t go into all of the technique or issues around masturbating here as it’s outside your particular question.

Next, if you do masturbate, what do you get from it? Is it just a sense of relief or relaxation, or is it a private place where you can explore fantasies? This is another critical key to understanding your own sexual response. Fantasies are rich and powerful ways to understand yourself. They have no other equal.

As far as being able to “turn it up” – that is, to increase the sensation and benefit of an orgasm, you first have to understand what in yourself produces them. You see, even when you’re with a partner, your orgasm is something YOU create – not that someone else gives you! Once you understand this, and when you learn to manage your own sexual response, then you can begin to explore what things make them grow.

Many women find that vocalizing helps to improve their orgasms. Others find that breathing, (or not breathing!) makes it better. Some find that certain positions stimulate them in ways that produces better orgasms, or that certain kinds of sex (like oral sex) makes it work. Still others find that certain kinds of muscular tension improve the sensation. Every woman is different!

I actually have been with women that were non-orgasmic when I met them and became easily orgasmic once they began to understand their own sexual responses. I’m not bragging here – these women did this themselves – I only provided a loving, caring, accepting environment in which they could explore these things without guilt! Some of these women can even climax at will – just from being hugged or kissed for instance!

So, you have everything in you right now to take your own sexuality anywhere you want it to go. All you have to do is to open yourself up to the possibilities and start to discover what about you makes you go “Ohhhhhh!”

Best regards…
Dennis Neder

Dear Dr. Neder,

I was in a long distance relationship over the internet and it ended 5 weeks ago. Basically I screwed up in silly ways and hurt her. I quit for a day, but came back and after staying away for another day she added me again during that first week (she said she’ll always love me.)

Over the next week or so I tried to put things back together with her. I asked if she needed time and space and she said yes because she wasn’t over things. We both were/are in deeply love. I was talking about our relationship with other regulars on the site and I know she hates that. One guy ratted me out about saying things to her claiming that we’ll only be “friends” and well I finally just stayed away for a week and a half and came back last Friday.

I know she still feels the same and eventually will consider taking me back. She’s a flirt and obviously has been naughty since, even if it means nothing that side of stuff.

I know I should just give it more time, but when I see her online I try to be strong and make it look like her flirting doesn’t bother me, but I can’t seem to help myself and I contact her again. I know she thinks we are meant to be (even if we’re in totally different countries.)

I’d like your advice on what she’s thinking and some suggestions as to how to handle this with her. Do I just need to try to back off and give this more time?

Hello!

Being in a long-distance relationship means that you were in no relationship at all. The “relationship” existed only in your head – nowhere else.

First of all, I don’t read minds, so I can’t tell you what she’s thinking. The only one that knows that is her. You’re going to have to go ask her.  Now, let me ask you: what do you really want from me here? Do you want me to help you perpetuate this fantasy you have? Do you want me to tell you how to actually PREVENT you from having a REAL relationship with a girl right there in your own backyard with all the richness that you deserve?

I’m not going to do that. This long-distance thing is absolutely ridiculous. You may FEEL like it’s something, but it’s not. It only exists in your noggin.

If you can’t reach out and hold her hand whenever you want. If you can’t kiss her lips or hold her when she needs, you have nothing.  Even worse, you’re actually PREVENTING yourself from finding someone that you could have these things with! You think you’re in a “committed relationship” (or were) with this girl? No, you’re not. It’s simply not reality, and I’m not going to help you continue this unhealthy, cruel fantasy.

Best regards…
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.