Hi Doc,
I have a question about girls that play “hard to get”. I know you tell guys (and girls) not to play this game, but I’ve read other articles that say that girls should do this. What’s your take on that?
Thanks!

Hello!
The “other side” is bullshit. Here’s why:

1) What’s the difference between some girl that plays these games and a girl that is simply not interested in you? Answer: nothing – they seem to be exactly the same. Why would you waste your time on someone that isn’t interested when there are so many great girls out there that are?

2) Playing these “dumb girl games” (“DGG’s”) makes you play your hand and keeps the girl from doing the same. Thus, you have absolutely no idea where she’s coming from.

3) In reality, girls that do this are never of the value they want you to think they are. In fact, the vast majority of men that ever do get with these girls realize they weren’t worth all the effort in the first place! Consider this: a girl can either put all her effort into becoming a great partner for the guy she wants to meet or she can put almost no effort in and play these stupid games. Which girl would you rather be with?

4) Game-players should just carry two signs around their necks:

a) “I don’t know what I’m doing. Feel free to come play me, use me and dump me.”
b) “I’m all-game and nothing more. Please don’t expect too much from me because if I had any real skills or real value, I wouldn’t need these games in the first place!”

5) Ultimately, this is about power – who has it and who reacts to it. Power is the #1 most important thing that women find attractive in men. Powerful men don’t play these games with girls. They decide what they want up front and find women that will give it to them. Seriously: do you think that Brad Pitt or Sean Connery or anyone that already has the power would play these DGG’s?

6) These games were originally forged during a time when dating was very different – as I said, during the time of your grandparents. Gender roles were very different for instance – and so were expectations. Girls today have a real sense of entitlement. They actually think that they deserve men that are in the top 5% of every category when they, themselves aren’t even in the top 50%! They want to “date up”. Men that are willing to play these games, prove that they aren’t in the top 5%. Thus, they lose value and in the vast majority of the cases – the girl too.

7) Frankly, all of this is pretty humiliating! Why would any self-respecting man accept being put through all of this in the first place? Answer: he wouldn’t. Only men that lack self-respect do this. Further, by actually playing the game, you further erode your own self-image because you always wind up feeling like an idiot for getting played!

What most of the dumb girls don’t understand about this is that there are actually guys that WILL play these games with them – willingly! The problem is that these guys aren’t into the girls at all. They are into the games. Thus, as soon as they “win”, they bang the girl and then dump her looking for someone else to play them with. These girls get very jaded very quickly and actually begin blaming the guys instead of the game!

9) There are so many BETTER ways to deal with women! This is a loss-leader from the very beginning and just goes down from there.

10) As I said before, this all comes from a time when things were very different. The so-called “experts” in those articles don’t know at all what they’re doing or recommending. They heard it from someone else and simply vomited it back up as their own. Thus, they don’t even know why this stuff doesn’t work and just go around doing damage to those people that actually buy into this ridiculous crap – all without having any real tools to teach.

11) Most guys today don’t know these games, don’t know how to play them and don’t know why doing so is such an end-game. Again, a power and value loss.

12) When a girl starts on this path, how does she ever get off of it? If she just “comes clean” she seems like she was lying about things all along – and then becomes a girl you can’t trust anyway. If she never lets on, you’ll lose interest pretty damn quickly. Why would you continue to take this sort of rude beating over and over again when there so many smarter – and frankly, much, much better – girls out there? Answer: you won’t.

Do I need to go on?

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Hello Dr. Neder,
My good friend has asked you a few questions and spoke very highly of the advice you’ve given him and the results he’s received. I’ll take his word for it, and try to keep this brief, but I do want to give you the some background.

I’m 23 and have a good degree and career. Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a young woman. We live about an hour away. I have known her and her family for 6 years – she is the younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In fact, I’ve spent many weekends with their family, was in my best friend’s wedding party, and adore the parents. I think the feelings on that are all mutual.

My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time boyfriend six months ago. Before the date, I was warned by that “…she still has some feelings leftover from that.” It became clear on the date that she was still hurting over it. I was getting mixed body language from her about “making a move” and decided that no one has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold hands – and so I went for it. She got a little uncomfortable, pulled her hand away, and we kept on chatting.

The next morning, my date called her sister and told her how wonderful of a time she’d had with me, but felt uncomfortable that I’d “made a move” and didn’t know what to do. Knowing me as well as she does, my friend told her to talk to me about this, and assured her that I’d understand, and would really appreciate the openness of communication. She told me she DID want to keep spending time with me, on the condition that I understood she’s in a “romantically anxious place right now,” and that this isn’t going anywhere “right at this very moment.” I assured her we were on the same page, that I too wanted to continue ‘getting to know her,’ and that – unless she gave me a painfully obvious “HOLD MY HAND, DUMMY” sign, I’d keep my hands to myself.

Since then, we’ve communicated almost every day. While this is great, our communication has been exclusively electronic. We’ve only talked on the phone once, which was when I called to tell her I was heading over to pick her up. I’ve tried calling her in the past and she’ll respond to a voicemail with a text. We text, we talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. She’s forcing some distance – but she’s told me why. For the time being I’m trying to swim WITH the tide, rather than against it.

So, here are my questions.

1: I’m going to be in her town next weekend. How far in advance should I let her know I’ll be there? I don’t want to seem like I’m planning my trips around her.

2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner and drinks at her favorite bar. Since this one is an “un-date” should I do something that won’t FEEL like a date, or is that not a bad thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon? Lunch and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait… that’s what I’m NOT supposed to say to her. Right.)

3: I’m desperately afraid I’m going to wind up in the friend zone with her. How do I toe the line between “just being friends for now” and “just being friends forever?”

4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not push the ‘phone call’ thing?

Thank you for the wonderful service you provide here on All Experts. I greatly look forward to the sage advice my friend speaks so highly of.

Hello!

Your friend spoke “highly” of the advice he received here? Hmmm…maybe he didn’t understand it then!

Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding hands is “making a move”??? Seriously? Come on here, what are you two, 12-years old? Holding hands isn’t much of a “move” at all! In fact, kissing isn’t a “move” either! These are very simple, minor-as-hell things that people who are enjoying each other’s company do. Let’s keep things in perspective here!

If she’s uncomfortable about this, how uncomfortable do you think she’d be about sex; let alone a relationship? If you give this any credibility whatsoever, you’re simply reinforcing this ridiculous issue! Don’t do that – treat it as the non-issue that it is!

Now, let’s deal with this “romantically anxious place” crap. So what? She’s still having problems with an ex-boyfriend 6 months ago? Seriously – SIX MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the hell are you expected to be this girl’s therapist? Why all the pressure on you to walk on egg shells here – and none on this girl to grow the fuck up already?? You are both ADULTS here! You’re not children. If she thinks she is, she is NOT ready to be in ANY relationship – not even the one that broke up 1/2 a year ago!!!

You are giving all of this far too much credence and therefore, creating a problem rather than expecting everyone to start acting like adults already. What’s going to happen next, are you and your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you won’t try to hold hands with this girl ever again??? Come on already!

STOP being “Mr. Sensitive” here and start being the man in this situation! Do you think this girl (or ANY girl) will ever feel safe and secure with you if you actually put up with this ridiculous child’s game? Answer: absolutely not! They’ll go find some guy like me that knows better and will dump your ass for being so dumb. Don’t be dumb!

Whew! That felt better…on to your questions:

1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than that.

2) DO NOT go on an “un-date”! DO NOT go hang out with this girl! If she’s now going to be your buddy, she’ll never be anything else to you. Don’t waste your time, money or resources on that. Lunch and butt sex would be FAR better than this! Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up before you get there – and go on a REAL date one of the nights you’re there. That means you’re going to hold her damn hand and kiss her like real adults on a real date. If she can’t handle that, don’t waste your time with her – give her another 20 years to grow up!

3) You’re already there! This needs to be how you’re going to get out of it, not being afraid you’ll wind up there! You can’t be friends now and something else in the future. If you really get into that situation, it’s game over.

4) Look. I’ve spent a lot of quality time in your state. I’ve done hunting seminars and taking packs of guys out to meet some incredible girls. You guys are no different there than we are over here on the “left coast”. YOU on the other hand want to think somehow you are!

There’s no “swimming with the tide” going on here – this is all about YOU swimming up-stream!

Dating and building a relationship – even a potential one – is your job, not hers. If you don’t know how adults date or what your roll should be or any of 1001 other important points that would make you think any of this is ok, then I strongly encourage you to read my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II” and learn how things REALLY work.

Best regards…
————————————————–
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Dr. Neder,
My good friend has asked you a few questions and spoke very highly of the advice you’ve given him and the results he’s received. I’ll take his word for it, and try to keep this brief, but I do want to give you the some background.

I’m 23 and have a good degree and career. Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a young woman. We live about an hour away. I have known her and her family for 6 years – she is the younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In fact, I’ve spent many weekends with their family, was in my best friend’s wedding party, and adore the parents. I think the feelings on that are all mutual.

My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time boyfriend six months ago. Before the date, I was warned by that “…she still has some feelings leftover from that.” It became clear on the date that she was still hurting over it. I was getting mixed body language from her about “making a move” and decided that no one has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold hands – and so I went for it. She got a little uncomfortable, pulled her hand away, and we kept on chatting.

The next morning, my date called her sister and told her how wonderful of a time she’d had with me, but felt uncomfortable that I’d “made a move” and didn’t know what to do. Knowing me as well as she does, my friend told her to talk to me about this, and assured her that I’d understand, and would really appreciate the openness of communication. She told me she DID want to keep spending time with me, on the condition that I understood she’s in a “romantically anxious place right now,” and that this isn’t going anywhere “right at this very moment.” I assured her we were on the same page, that I too wanted to continue ‘getting to know her,’ and that – unless she gave me a painfully obvious “HOLD MY HAND, DUMMY” sign, I’d keep my hands to myself.

Since then, we’ve communicated almost every day. While this is great, our communication has been exclusively electronic. We’ve only talked on the phone once, which was when I called to tell her I was heading over to pick her up. I’ve tried calling her in the past and she’ll respond to a voicemail with a text. We text, we talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. She’s forcing some distance – but she’s told me why. For the time being I’m trying to swim WITH the tide, rather than against it.

So, here are my questions.

1: I’m going to be in her town next weekend. How far in advance should I let her know I’ll be there? I don’t want to seem like I’m planning my trips around her.

2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner and drinks at her favorite bar. Since this one is an “un-date” should I do something that won’t FEEL like a date, or is that not a bad thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon? Lunch and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait… that’s what I’m NOT supposed to say to her. Right.)

3: I’m desperately afraid I’m going to wind up in the friend zone with her. How do I toe the line between “just being friends for now” and “just being friends forever?”

4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not push the ‘phone call’ thing?

Thank you for the wonderful service you provide here on All Experts. I greatly look forward to the sage advice my friend speaks so highly of.

Hello!
Your friend spoke “highly” of the advice he received here? Hmmm…maybe he didn’t understand it then!

Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding hands is “making a move”??? Seriously? Come on here, what are you two, 12-years old? Holding hands isn’t much of a “move” at all! In fact, kissing isn’t a “move” either! These are very simple, minor-as-hell things that people who are enjoying each other’s company do. Let’s keep things in perspective here!

If she’s uncomfortable about this, how uncomfortable do you think she’d be about sex; let alone a relationship? If you give this any credibility whatsoever, you’re simply reinforcing this ridiculous issue! Don’t do that – treat it as the non-issue that it is!

Now, let’s deal with this “romantically anxious place” crap. So what? She’s still having problems with an ex-boyfriend 6 months ago? Seriously – SIX MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the hell are you expected to be this girl’s therapist? Why all the pressure on you to walk on egg shells here – and none on this girl to grow the fuck up already?? You are both ADULTS here! You’re not children. If she thinks she is, she is NOT ready to be in ANY relationship – not even the one that broke up 1/2 a year ago!!!

You are giving all of this far too much credence and therefore, creating a problem rather than expecting everyone to start acting like adults already. What’s going to happen next, are you and your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you won’t try to hold hands with this girl ever again??? Come on already!

STOP being “Mr. Sensitive” here and start being the man in this situation! Do you think this girl (or ANY girl) will ever feel safe and secure with you if you actually put up with this ridiculous child’s game? Answer: absolutely not! They’ll go find some guy like me that knows better and will dump your ass for being so dumb. Don’t be dumb!

Whew! That felt better…on to your questions:

1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than that.

2) DO NOT go on an “un-date”! DO NOT go hang out with this girl! If she’s now going to be your buddy, she’ll never be anything else to you. Don’t waste your time, money or resources on that. Lunch and butt sex would be FAR better than this! Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up before you get there – and go on a REAL date one of the nights you’re there. That means you’re going to hold her damn hand and kiss her like real adults on a real date. If she can’t handle that, don’t waste your time with her – give her another 20 years to grow up!

3) You’re already there! This needs to be how you’re going to get out of it, not being afraid you’ll wind up there! You can’t be friends now and something else in the future. If you really get into that situation, it’s game over.

4) Look. I’ve spent a lot of quality time in your state. I’ve done hunting seminars and taking packs of guys out to meet some incredible girls. You guys are no different there than we are over here on the “left coast”. YOU on the other hand want to think somehow you are!

There’s no “swimming with the tide” going on here – this is all about YOU swimming up-stream!

Dating and building a relationship – even a potential one – is your job, not hers. If you don’t know how adults date or what your roll should be or any of 1001 other important points that would make you think any of this is ok, then I strongly encourage you to read my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II” and learn how things REALLY work.

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Hello Dr. Dennis,
I’ve been dating this girl and to me it seems that she doesn’t value herself enough. She does/says things that in my opinion, only a hoe, or a girl becoming one would do/say. She likes talking about sex, gets bothered if we don’t, has said that it’s like a regular conversation to her, and is uncommonly for a girl, very open about sex in general.

She also recently said that she has accepted that she isn’t a challenge when it comes to having sex with her. The reason she mentioned that was because I had previously tried to help her see that for a girl to talk about sex so often and leave nothing to the imagination, it’s not really attractive. Once in a while it is, but not all the time. I told her it’s often more attractive when it’s a challenge.

I honestly like her, so I guess that’s why I tried to make her understand that her and I don’t have to have sex all the time for me to be happy, because I like her for who she is aside from that. But I fear that maybe she isn’t entirely “easy” in that sense because she wants to make me happy. I fear that she might just be a hoe or heading in that direction.

She says she’s always been that way when it came to sex. So I assume it’s possible she had a low self-esteem with guys and gave it up to them to satisfy them or whatever the case was.

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble on for days, I’m sure you get the picture. How do I save her; so to speak? I do really like her and care about her. I’ve already talked to her about all this somewhat, but I want to make sure how to go about this.

Hello!
What makes you think it’s not “common” for women to talk about sex all the time? Have you ever heard a bunch of women talking to each other in real life? (Not in the movies!) Damn – they talk about sex ALL the time!

This doesn’t make the girl a “ho” (not a “hoe” – that’s a garden tool) It means she has a strong sense of her own sexuality. That’s actually an incredibly good thing! You should be EXCITED about that.

…Unless you don’t feel that good about YOUR sexuality.

Here’s the reality: there’s nothing to “save” here. If your sexual sensibilities are so different than hers, then she’s simply not the girl for you. More to the point, you’re simply not the guy for HER! In fact, her self-esteem is just great and I’ll explain how I know that in a moment. It’s YOU that I’m worried about here.

There is nothing so fundamental or powerful than a person’s sexuality. It is the basis of every other thing you are. It dictates everything from the clothes you wear to the car you drive to the friends you have to the words you choose to use.

This girl has an extremely strong, HEALTHY sense of her own sexuality. Don’t stifle that! Don’t create stigma in her mind about it. It’s not fair to inflict YOUR problems with sex on her! Whereas she has a very healthy sense of it, you see it as a threat.

So much of our culture is about trying to repress people’s sexuality. Do you know why? It’s simple: as I’ve said, there is nothing more powerful or fundamental as someone’s sexuality. Christianity and governments figured this out a long time ago! If you can get control over someone’s sexuality – how, when and with whom they have sex – then you control and effectively “own” that person. Further, it doesn’t matter HOW you control it – by redirecting it, making someone think it’s dirty or wrong or repressing it altogether.

This is exactly what you’re trying to do with her! Instead of embracing her sexual strength and health and benefiting from it, you’re trying to get me to help you undermine it.

DON’T DO THAT! Focus on yourself and YOUR issues here. Start asking yourself why you have this problem with your girlfriend. Hers is the model to follow. Yours is the one to correct.

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder. All rights reserved.