Dear Doc,
I have an interesting problem that I hope you can help me with. I’m 38 years old and I’m a stockbroker with a large brokerage firm. (No I’m not writing because I’m depressed about the slump in the Dow. My career is actually going quite well, in spite of our current economic problems.)

Here’s my situation. There’s this girl that I see every Thursday night in my computer class. She’s black (from Haiti). I’m Italian, from Brooklyn. She’s a total babe and has a fantastic personality. Very intelligent and has her own business working as an agent for television commercial directors.

Our computer class has been going on for about 6 weeks now, but since the very first night she has been flirting with me, quite blatantly. Last week she even said to me, “So when are you going to ask me out?” I told her, “Probably soon.”

I’m usually a lot more firm and decisive. When it’s time to take action, I take action. So, why didn’t I simply ask her out? The problem for me, and I have to say I feel embarrassed about this because I think maybe I’m being kind of a wimp. Anyway, the problem is that I’m 5’6” tall and this girl is a solid 6 feet tall. And of course in heels she’s even taller.

I have no problem whatsoever with our racial differences. (My longest relationship was actually with a girl who was originally from Ethiopia.) It’s the height difference that’s messing with my mind! When I stand next to her I feel like a midget and not very manly. I’m trying to imagine the two of us out on a date in public as a couple and it just seems weird to me. I know that I’d be very uncomfortable.

But otherwise she has so many of the qualities that I look for in a girlfriend. When we’re both sitting down together and my mind isn’t on the height problem, I feel very romantic towards her.

Half of me wants to just make up an excuse to tell her as to why I can’t date her, and the other half of me feels like I’d be being weak and foolish if I did that. I don’t know. Do you think there’s a way for me to overcome my discomfort and feel more comfortable and confident? Do you think it’s a healthy thing for a guy to date a girl who’s half a foot taller than himself? What do you say Doc? Any ideas?

Theron – who is very confused.

Hi Theron,
Your discomfort with the discrepancy in height between you and your Haitian honey is understandable. But I recommend that you be courageous and push yourself beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone.

The way I see it, you’ve got two choices here. You can pass on this extraordinary opportunity and thereby further validate your fears and insecurities OR, you can have a new adventure with an exotic woman who looks as if she could win the Miss World Contest. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “the path of fear or the path of courage and adventure, which is it gonna to be, boy?”

Think about it. What’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you were out in public with this gal? Are you afraid that someone might snicker at you? Perhaps some might. But I’d say, that most people would be looking at you with envy or admiration or intense curiosity, wondering what powerful personal qualities you have that you were able to attract such an exotic beauty.

If you give yourself plenty of approval for being the great guy that you are, then you won’t be dependent on other people’s approval or compromised by their disapproval. You won’t care what people think one way or another. Use this situation to exercise your self-esteem muscles. See if you can get into the headspace of simply not giving a hoot. See if you can become hootless.

There’s no way of telling right now if being in a relationship with your statuesque class-mate would work for you over the long haul or not. But you may possibly discover that with time and a whole lot of sweetness and High Interest from her, that her height (or your lack of it in comparison) has become a non-issue for you. Who knows? But you’ll only find out if you go out with her. If you don’t go out with her, nothing will happen and that’s pretty boring.

To give you a little extra inspiration, Theron, allow me to share a brief personal anecdote with you. A couple of years ago, while waiting for a friend at the bar in the Beverly Hilton hotel, I struck up a conversation with a chap of rather diminutive stature. He was an average looking guy and was no more than 5’5’’ tall. He told me that he was a real estate agent and that he was dating a model.

At the time I thought that he was giving me more of the usual L.A.-big-talker hype. But a few minutes later, lo and behold, his Claudia Schiffer look-alike girlfriend who was taller than a camel, came walking in, sat down in his lap and gave him a long wet kiss right there in front of me.

He introduced me to her, then said goodbye and walked on out to the lobby with her, arm in arm. And I’ve got to tell you that this guy was as cool and comfortable and as confident as Vin Diesel in a tight spot. Plus, he got off on her height.

So, Theron, get that Caribbean cutie out on a date. When the two of you are together, make no remarks about how tall she is. And if she wants to put her arm around you while you’re walking down the street, go with it. Just make sure that YOU are the one walking on the traffic side of the sidewalk.

Remember, guys: If you go out with a woman who’s taller than you, tell her to wear high heels.

Dear Doc,
Your “System” has been guiding me, but I’ve never had this happen before.
Here’s a little background. I’m 33 and what I’d call handsome in an offbeat kind of a way. I’m a successful screenwriter and I live in the Hollywood Hills in a big beautiful home with an edge pool that I designed myself.

This girl I went out with is quite attractive, 5 ft. 7 in. blonde hair, blue eyes, flawless skin, slender maybe 110 pounds yet nicely curved, very intelligent and resembles Kim Bassinger, or maybe her younger sister if she has one. She is in her mid 30’s and has never been married. She lives near me in the same neighborhood.

I did everything according to your “System.” I was the quintessential well-mannered, well-dressed and polite gentleman.

I met her at a party and waited over a week to call her. The first date was a weeknight walk in the park and a meal at an inexpensive restaurant with great atmosphere near the ocean. I have a new Lexus but picked her up in my older but clean Ford F-150 pickup truck instead.

Seven days later I arranged for supper at a Mexican restaurant and then a movie at the ‘dollar’ cinema. I paid for everything.

I tore up her phone number when she refused to kiss me after that second date. Buddies of mine who had seen her said I was completely nuts for getting rid of her.

I got ragged on so badly that I relented and looked her up in the phone book to call again except I waited a full month to call her. I figured that if I was a super Challenge that she might possibly ‘crack.’

I suggested that we meet at the free jazz concerts at the city amphitheater for a brown bag supper and great music. She refused, saying she didn’t like ‘Jazz’. That was two weeks ago.

Tonight I unexpectedly ran into her at the local newsstand. We were both alone, so I stopped to talk to her and, boy, did she give me an earful!

She barely let me get a word in edgewise after the subject came around to our dates. She called me “CHEAP” and said that I “dislike women,” that I “don’t know how to treat women,” that she never dated a guy like me, that she expects a guy she dates to spend money on the date and not see how CHEAP he can be.

She said that she was used to having guys treat her with respect not like the CHEAP way I treated her. She actually said that if I was a REAL man that I would have brought her flowers and gifts. She said that I was a great looking guy but that I’d never meet a good woman using my unconventional dating methods.

She demanded I write something down and even searched her purse for a paper and pencil to give me, then she dictated: “Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray. “This is a book that I want you to buy and read.” Since she called me cheap so many times I thought I’d get a shot back at her so I asked if I could just borrow her copy. She said, “NO, it’s only $7.50.” So I asked if I could borrow $7.50 from her and she just glared at me.

But then she started at me again. “On our first date you spent less than $7 on me. And the date after that at the Mexican restaurant and the movie? You spent less than $20 on me that night. I called all my girlfriends and at work the next day I told all my co-workers how you insulted me. None of them had heard of such a thing!”

She went on and on with a passion I’ve never seen She is attractive enough to only date hunky ‘alpha’ males, even though I’ve never thought of myself as one.

I found it odd that she was so upset yet took the time to bend my ear for over a half an hour.

I seem to have really gotten under her skin .

I thought you’d find all this pretty interesting Doc. Any comments?
Mark – who is laughing to himself

Hey Mark,
Allow me to commend you on an excellent job of handling this philly.

First of all, you actually waited an entire week to call her. This of course is the proper procedure according to “The System”. Unfortunately, 97% of guys never wait more than 48hrs at the most to call a girl after they’ve first gotten her phone number. And plenty of them call the same damn day!

As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “The majority is usually wrong.” (Remember only one third of the American Colonists wanted to break with England.)

Way too many guys are like salivating greyhounds at a racetrack, chompin’ at the bit to get at that bunny. The average guy has no comprehension of the importance of building a sense of mystery and Challenge with a woman, especially in the beginning.

And kudos to you too, Mark, for not coming on like Mr. Big Spender to try to impress this chick. The pick-up truck instead of the Lexus was a great idea. By following “The System” and down playing your affluence you were able to bust this babe. She’s obviously a full-blown mercenary. A 24 Karat Gold Digger.

The first few dates are a time when two people are checking each other out to see what kind of potential is there. It’s way too soon to be bringing flowers and gifts as your former date mate was expecting, or shall I say demanding.  And it’s also way too soon to be going out for expensive dinners.

Keep in mind that a woman with high Interest Level in you AND a flexible, giving attitude could have a fun time getting to know you while sitting at a bus stop eating peanut butter sandwiches.

But this gal is one spoiled little missy. Since she’s such a hottie, of course, legions of guys are tripping over themselves to get a chance to suck up to her. So she’s not used to NOT being put on a pedestal. You certainly got to her and good riddance I say! Can you imagine what it would be like to be married to this broad? She could out nag Joan Rivers.

The only mistake that you made was that you gave into pressure from your peers and called her again after she had disqualified herself from the contest to win your heart. Her horrible attitude aside, she failed “The Smooch Test” and once a woman fails the “The Smooch Test” that’s it. Over and out. No calling her back, period.

But hey, Mark, overall you did fantastic. And I’m delighted to hear that you got in a couple zingers before you gave her the big Adios.

Remember guys, don’t listen to your friends, listen to me.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

Hi Doc,
I’ve been reading your column for close to 3 months now.  You’re the best!  I’ve found the advice in your articles to be extremely helpful (like a road map). I’ve asked my friends what they think of my situation and they’re stumped. So any advice of yours would be very much appreciated.

I’ve been dating a “10″ for about 5 weeks now.  She’s recently divorced (about 1 year ago) and a single mother of a 3-year old.  Physically, she’s a knockout, head turner, supermodel, whatever – she’s absolutely stunning from head to toe. I work at a gym and over the last few months I noticed she was quite receptive when talking to me and I had caught her “looking” a number of times.

Well by the signals I was getting, I knew I passed the physical attraction test, so I asked her to go for a run (light, friendly first outing). From then on we continued to see each other outside of the gym about once per week for a total of five dates. On each date, I made it a point to focus the attention on her with questions, keep my hands to myself, and make good eye contact.

Making sure not to call more than once per week, and only for a date, when I asked her for a 3rd date she said she had plans with a girlfriend. Then I offered the night after. She said she would get back to me the next day, as her plans for that night were “tentative.” Anyway, she left a message on my machine the next day and said she couldn’t go out with me because her tentative plans had become firm.  Drawing from your advice, I stayed cool and didn’t call her back.

On the 4th day after she left the message, she called me and said she hoped that I didn’t think she didn’t want to go out with me again. We then made plans for a couple days later.

She seemed really into me and each date thereafter went well, at least I thought.  I didn’t come on heavy in any way, shape or form. Light kissing, touching, nothing big.  She seemed really interested throughout all of our dates.

The problem is I’m not sure if I didn’t come on heavy enough. Using your principles, I bit my tongue a lot, stayed very patient, and went against my old instincts of jumping the gun.  But I hope that I haven’t played too hard to get.

After our last date we didn’t kiss or touch because her child was with us and I thought it might be better if I didn’t attempt anything.  Granted I don’t have any experience with dating mothers or divorcees, so I really can’t tell how well a date went when she brings her child along.  She brought her kid with her on the 3rd and 5th dates.

It seems that during a date with the kid along, the attention goes onto the child. So, you cannot clearly tell what is going on between just the two of us. The  dinner was good, conversation was friendly, and I felt the date went fairly well.  I left her that night by saying good night to her kid and her, and offering to give her a call.  She said yes and smiled.

She hasn’t called me (it’s been 6 days since our date and she has been the one doing the majority of the calling).  Also, she hasn’t been in the gym (only when I’m not there and she knows my schedule.) This seems odd as she was going at least 5 times per week when we first started dating.

Feeling like maybe I wasn’t showing enough interest and maybe turning her off, I left a phone message on the 5th day to see how things were going as she is getting ready to move into a new apartment this weekend.

It’s now the 6th day and I haven’t heard back from her.  Maybe I’m being paranoid but it seems like all of a sudden things have “shut off” like she’s lost interest. Any help or strategy would be greatly valued Doc!  Thank you.

Leroy – who is really confused

Congratulations Leroy, you’ve obviously made improvements in your dating skills and you’ve had some good insights.

As you mentioned, you really can’t tell how well a date is going when a woman brings her child along. During the first 60 days of dating, it’s vitally important that all your dates with a woman are with just the two of you, one on one. No double dates with other couples. And we don’t want any children, pets or one of her girlfriends tagging along either.

All these other people and animals have a high potential for compromising the romantic atmosphere. Plus, as you’ve experienced, it’s difficult to get an accurate reading on a woman’s Interest Level in you when she’s having to consider other people’s needs and expectations on the date. So Leroy, to have a new understanding about this issue is a big win for you.

But Leroy you’ve only been using part of “The System” and that is why you’ve only been partially successful. I’d have to give you a “C” grade in the Challenge department. But a “C’ is just not going to cut it with a ‘heavy’ like this girl. We’ve got to get your performance grade up to the “A” level.

So let’s start by clearing some things up. You mentioned that you were concerned that you might have turned this girl off by not showing enough interest in her. Leroy, you’re not supposed to “show” interest. She already knows that you’re interested in her. Why?  Because you keep asking her out! If a woman kept calling you every week and picked you up at your house and paid for everything, would you wonder whether she was interested in you? When you do those things for her, she knows more than enough about your level of interest.

So the “problem” is not that you didn’t come on heavy enough. The problem is that SHE didn’t come on heavy enough! You can not raise a woman’s interest level by coming on strong, either verbally or physically. When and if she decides that you’re the one, SHE will start getting serious. She’ll come on to you. You see Leroy, in a sense, you have nothing to do with whether that happens or not. The Reality Factor says that the man does the picking but the woman does the choosing. The way you motivate her to choose you is by you being a Challenge – all the time.

Now let’s get down to the more sticky issues. You need to go back and study more because you’ve made some serious telephone blunders. First of all, when you called for your third date with her and she turned you down, you jumped right in with a counter offer instead of waiting for her to come up with a counter offer. By doing that you made yourself look too eager, like a guy who just got out of prison.

Then you really dropped the ball by allowing her to “get back” to you. Plus you accepted a ‘maybe’ date. That’s very weak. By doing that, you let her know that you’re ‘on call’ for her. You let her know that she has no competition. You’ve got to learn to become more mysterious and less available Leroy.  In love, you do not get what you deserve but what you negotiate.

Now let’s deal with the situation as it is. Since it seems as if your girl has backed off, it’s time for you to back off more. Don’t worry about whether she calls you or not. Don’t worry about whether you see her at the gym or not. These are non-issues.

Wait another week and then get her on the phone in person (do not leave any more messages.) Then ask her out for another date on a weeknight, without the kid. If she enthusiastically accepts the date, take her out and be more of a Challenge. Keep studying “The System” to gain more insight into how to be a Challenge while you’re in the trenches. And keep in mind, that if the relationship is going to move forward, only the woman makes it happen.

Remember, guys, you gotta’ keep ‘em guessing.

Dear Doc Love,
I am a tad troubled by what I’ve been reading in your column.  You talk a lot about what to do to find and keep a girl, but you don’t seem to address the issue of whether or not girls enjoy being abused.  Unfortunately, with many girls, this is becoming all too common.

I recently ended a relationship with a girl whom I treated very nicely the entire time I was with her. I treated her to meals, I talked to her with respect, and I was caring and tried to be comforting whenever she encountered difficulty or stress.   All my friends attested that I treated her wonderfully.

She told me that before she dated me, she dated a guy who abused her regularly.  He regularly threatened her with a knife (by placing the flat end of the blade on her neck), he slapped her constantly, and he always belittled her.  How long was she with him?  Two years.  How long did she date a decent guy like me? Three months.  There is something wrong with that picture.

I asked her why she was with him for so long since he was abusive.  She responded with “I thought then that I deserved it.”  With me, she never thanked me for taking her anywhere, got mad if I tried to be helpful and comforting, and towards the end, before she left, she was very abusive to me.

This raises the question: Do girls prefer to be kicked around or treated with respect?  Friends of mine have had this same problem with their girlfriends.  And if my friends and I have had that problem, then bet on the fact that most other men (or at least a good number) have experienced the same problem as well.  Given how common this is with females, this topic should be addressed, and it is my hope that you will the address the topic in your column ASAP.
Armando – who is tired of not being appreciated

Dear Armando,
What did you expect from a girl like this, a picnic in the park? A woman who has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasn’t had therapy and recovery) is simply not good relationship material. You want to avoid this type of woman at all costs because you don’t want her becoming the mother of your children. As soon as any woman whom you’re dating starts telling you stories about how her ex boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her or stalked her, head for the nearest exit.

If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well. She may think that what she wants is a good man, but a good man will never (and should never try to) provide her with that constant sense of dread and drama that her sick soul thrives on.

What almost always happens in this situation is that the new guy starts earnestly trying to prove that not all men are bastards by being extra nice to her. Then she winds up dumping him because he somehow just doesn’t light her fire. Sound familiar Armando?

Only if a woman from an abusive background has done some serious therapeutic work to recover from her addiction, will she be able to sustain a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. There are tens of thousands of women out there (and plenty of men, too) who have grown up with abuse and feel comfortable only in destructively dysfunctional relationships.

Even people who have had a fair amount of therapy and counseling, often unconsciously slip back into old self-destructive patterns. It takes real commitment and determination to break free from this kind of unhealthy behavior.

So Armando, do women like to be kicked around or do they like to be treated with respect? It’s not a black and white issue. Some women, like your (ex) girlfriend, do like to be “kicked around.” Fortunately there are plenty out there that don’t.

But Armando, you need to look at the role you chose for yourself in this relationship. You’re complaining about how your ex is attracted to abusive men. Well wait a minute. She was disrespectful and abusive to you and you stuck it out with her until she dumped you. You need to ask YOURSELF: “Why did I stay with someone who treated me so badly? And how can I judge her so harshly for staying with an abusive partner when I did the very same thing?”
Now, Armando, allow me to clear up the rest of the picture for you. We know that women who come from an abusive home will re-enact that same scenario in their relationships as an adult. But how do we explain the behavior of thousands of women who would never be with an abusive man, but find themselves drawn to guys who don’t always treat them so well, guys who have little or no respect for women?

In order to explain this phenomenon, I’m going to divide the pool of non-abusive men that a clinically sane woman has to choose from into three distinct categories. Many men do not necessarily fit into only one of these categories, but I’m rigidly dividing them for educational purposes.

First, there is a large percentage of men who are not a Challenge at all. We call this type of guy The Nice Guy or The Wimp or the Teddy Bear Guy. This chap wears his high Interest Level on his sleeve. He’ll do anything to gain a woman’s approval. He’s needy and clingy and is always trying to please and impress. He’s too open and too vulnerable too soon. He’s overly considerate and places the woman’s needs before his own. He’s often so whipped and brainwashed with political correctness that he even does things – like asking a woman for her permission to kiss her.

You get the picture. This is not the type of man who fuels women’s romantic fantasies. He is not a turn on. – in fact, quite the opposite.

What turns women on and gets their juices flowing is a guy who is self- assured and self-sufficient. A guy with a strong ego who goes for what he wants without asking permission. A guy with healthy boundaries who is capable of setting limits and saying “no” to a woman when it’s appropriate. Women want a guy who is also somewhat unpredictable, mysterious and full of surprises.

The man that women dream of combines all the qualities of this confident individual, along with a capacity to love a woman deeply with an open heart (after she proves she’s trustworthy). I call this second type of man The Positive Challenge. All men should aspire to be a Positive Challenge in their relationships with women.

Then there is the third type, who, beyond having a healthy ego, is self-obsessed, self absorbed and just plain selfish. He’s a user, a taker, and not a giver. He only says “yes” to a woman when it suits him. His heart is closed off. He doesn’t keep his word. You can’t count on him. You can’t trust him. He’s TOO unpredictable. But many women find him alluring because he can’t be controlled and he’s anything but boring.  He’s known as the Jerk or the Rat or the Bad Boy. I call him The Negative Challenge.

Unfortunately, because so few men are a Positive Challenge, women who would never be with an outright abusive man are frequently forced to choose between The Wimp and Mr. Negative Challenge. And when forced to choose between those two, women will take Mr. Negative Challenge over the Wimp most often. Why? Because they perceive Mr. Negative Challenge, however problematic he may be, as STRONG and The Wimp as weak. And women place an extremely high value on strength qualities in a man.

This is why you hear so many men complaining that women don’t appreciate a nice guy and that they prefer to be with jerks. Women are dawn to strength qualities in men FIRST. Sensitivity and sweetness is appealing when added as dessert, but an entire meal of cake frosting is nauseating.

Just remember that women, particularly the beautiful ones, are sick to death of the endless number of men who are constantly catering to their whims. They’re desperately weary of always getting their way with men and are hungry for a Challenge even if he doesn’t come in the ideal form.

Now let’s leave The Wimp out of the equation and give a woman the choice only between Mr. Positive Challenge and Mr. Negative Challenge. In this situation, the greater the woman’s self esteem, the more likely she would be to go for Mr. Positive Challenge. If her self-esteem was so-so, then she might go for the guy who was somewhere in between the two.

Now that you’re single again my advice to you, Armando, is to no longer go out with abusive women who’ve been abused. Treat yourself with love and respect by finding a woman to date who is sweet and loving. And study “The System” to learn how to be a Positive Challenge.

Remember, guys, all women love a Challenge.