Hi Doc,
My name is Brett. I’m a sophomore in college. I met this wonderful girl almost two months ago. When we first met, we clicked right away. It was a love at first sight for the both of us. After 2 weeks went by, we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We were hanging out a lot, about three or four nights a week. I met her family. They loved me and l loved them and I feel closer to this girl than any other girl I have ever been with.

But then, right after our one-month anniversary, she said that she wants to “slow things down a little”, but still date me exclusively. We went on our first date the other day doing this new slowed- down thing she wanted, and it went great. We had a lot of fun. She also told me that she loved me.

My problem is that I am not sure if I should wait for us to get serious again. She said that she wants to date for a while because she thinks that we got serious too early. I really don’t know what I should do. Should I wait or keep my options open? I really like her a lot, but I don’t want to wait if she’s just going to just leave me.

Brett – who is not sure what he should do next

Hi Brett,
You don’t know what you should do, ugh? Well, the first thing you should do is see a tailor so you can keep your lip zipped. It sounds to me as if you two started exchanging ‘I love you’s’ by about the middle of your second date, and I’ll bet you a new Brittany Spears calendar that you were the one to say it first. Always let the woman bring up the “L” word first, and don’t echo it back until you’ve had some extended time in with her. The Reality Factor says that you can never come on too slow with a girl, only too fast.

During the first 60 days of dating, she doesn’t lose points by saying “I love you” but you do!  Yes, that’s right. It’s politically incorrect and it’s called a double standard. So Brett, when she says it again, you should answer humorously with a DeNiro impression; “What, you talkin to me?” If this seems harsh, remember that this girl is telling you in one breath that she loves you and in another that she wants to slow things down. So much for language and logic!

Brett, I want to tell you something important that you won’t hear from the other relationship experts: In the early stages of courtship, in order to feel romantically stimulated, men and women have differing needs. Men primarily need to have the experience of being accepted by a woman, while women primarily need to have the experience of having to wonder if the guy whom they are interested in, really likes them or not, and to what degree.  Sounds pretty wild, huh? But it’s true.

So how are you going to create that sense of mystery that she requires in order to fall in love, if you tell her how much you love her right away? You can’t. So don’t tell her you love her too soon and she’ll love you more and sooner. And by the way, don’t attempt to verify this fact with women, because more often than not they will deny it and will only confuse you even more.

Brett, you’ve got to understand that a sure fire way to sabotage a potentially great relationship is to come on heavy verbally; reveal too much about yourself too soon; and let her know that your Interest Level in her is higher than Bill Gates’s net worth. When you do that, you’re being the opposite of a Challenge and women above all want a guy who is a mystery, even though they will never admit it.

For the first 60 days, self-disclosure about your feelings toward the girl whom you’re dating should be strictly rationed. Besides, it takes at least two months to begin to know someone well enough to have any real sense as to whether they are lifetime partner material, or just someone to party with.

Before those critical 60 days have passed, keep it light and keep her laughing. As one of our great modern philosophers, Cindy Lauper once said, “Girls just want to have fun,” and there’s more practical wisdom in that than you know. You’ve got to save the whole, ”Wow, you really are my soulmate,” conversation for way down the line, and let her be the one to bring it up because it is always better for both of you if she thinks that it is her idea to begin with.

Brett, your problem is that you allowed yourself to get too comfortable way too soon. And worse, you let her know that were overjoyed to be with her. But, if her Interest Level is still above 50%, we can save this relationship by backing off slightly. So: no more ‘I love you’s’ for now on, cut down your dates with her to once a week, and don’t talk to her on the phone except to make a date. Start thinking like a guy, not a gal, and stop worrying about where the relationship is ‘going’. Instead, relax and allow Challenge to work its magic. You job is to always keep it light and fun and lay off the heavy subjects.

Listen, Brett, two things happen in a relationship; you either break up, or worse, you get married. The Reality Factor says that all breakups are never mutual. One person always dumps the other and 90% of the time the woman dumps the man or drives him nuts so he dumps her (she gets him to do her dirty work for her). Then we hear the excuse, “It didn’t work out,” which means in Womanese: “He turned me off, lowered my Interest Level, and then I dropped him like the bad habit that he was.”

Remember, guys, until she will rob banks for you, do not come on heavy. If you cannot learn to control your mouth, forget women and join the monastery.

Dear Doc,
As I’ve been reading your column over the last several weeks I’ve learned a great deal. Especially about the many unacceptable ways that some women treat good men and how guys let them get away with all kinds of unloving and disrespectful behavior.

Now, when I look back at all my dating adventures over the last ten years, I can see that I was getting the short end of the stick so many times. I realize that I put up with all kinds of crap because I was just so happy that a cute girl was spending time with me.

Even if a girl broke a date with me I’d keep calling her back for more abuse. In fact, I hate to admit it, but once I even drove for an hour and a half to pick up a girl who had already stood me up once before. She wasn’t there the second time either, big surprise huh?

And now I can also see that more than once I wound up in a relationship with a girl who seemed to really like me but actually had what you call low, or at best mediocre, Interest Level.

But what’s even more depressing is that now I can see that I may not ever have had a girlfriend who had a truly high level of romantic interest in me. I don’t think I even know what that looks like. Pretty pathetic I guess. But I know I’m going to be more successful in the future because of the new awareness that I have, thanks to you and “The System.”

Could you just clarify something for me? How can you tell when a girl has authentic high Interest Level? What kinds of behaviors would she be exhibiting? How could I tell that her interest Level was really high and that she wasn’t just playing the part, using me, and biding her time until Mr. Jerk comes along? What kinds of things should I be checking for to know that she’s for real?
Stanton – who wants to know what love, is supposed to really feel like

Hi Stanton,
Thanks for your candor. It took guts to write that letter and I appreciate your compliment.

It’s great that you understand that there is a difference between low and high interest. Many guys don’t even know the difference between a woman with high Interest Level and a woman with low Interest Level. Why? Because they look only at their own feelings.

The primary prerequisite for a woman to qualify as a potential romantic partner is that she must have high Interest Level. This means that she has to have deep romantic feelings for you. She has to really, really dig you and think of you as her hero, her dream come true. If her Interest in you is not at a high level, then you are not going to be happy being with her. You’re going to have to work hard for little reward, and what good is that? Love should be light and easy. And only a woman whose Interest Level is in the 90’s (on a consistent basis) is worth being with for the rest of your life.

More often than not, when a woman has strong feelings for a guy, her Interest Level is high from the get go. To you Psych majors, she kisses on the first date. Soon after she meets him, she ‘knows’ that he’s “boyfriend material.” A different woman might meet the same guy and think he was a total dud. But somehow, this one particular guy rings this gal’s bell, and since he does, she lets him know it, both verbally and physically. Why? Because she doesn’t want to confuse him, or abuse him. She wants to make him happy.

Ok Stanton, so how does she let him know that she digs him? When a woman has found her knight in shining armor, how does she treat him?  What are the signs of high interest?

Here is a partial list of the kinds of things that she must do on a consistent basis in order for her to have an authentic high Interest Level in you:

She takes the initiative to stand or sit close to you.
She compliments you frequently.
She touches you.
Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you.
She is curious to know everything about you.
She endeavors to discover what’s important to you and what makes you tick, so she asks you a lot of questions about yourself, but not in an obnoxious, prying or pushy kind of way. (Of course you give her the absolute minimum amount of info. possible.)
She gives you small gifts.
She calls YOU and asks you out.
She makes a big deal about your birthday.
She cooks your favorite meal at least once a month.
She builds up your ego.
She’s supportive
She’s consistently loving and affectionate.
When you’re sick she is your dedicated nurse.
She often turns into a playful little girl when she’s around you.
She respects your opinion.
She asks you for advice.
She’s consistent and dependable.
She keeps her word.
She’s never late.
She’s fiercely loyal.
She backs you up when the chips are down.
She doesn’t put you down in public or nag.
She doesn’t compare you to other guys.
She makes you feel like a better man than you know you are.
Her knees buckle when she kisses you.

She thinks it’s great that you go out with your buddies once a week.
She doesn’t try to control you as much as other women do.
When football is on she knows not to talk and ask dumb questions.
Every girl in town thinks you’re ugly as sin, but she thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
She thinks that your beer belly is made of muscle.
When you say “Honey, tomorrow morning you and I are going to rob the local bank at nine o’clock.” She says “I’ll be ready?”

Ok men; let’s be honest. How many of these traits does your main squeeze have?

Remember guys, if you want to be happy for the rest of your life only choose a gal with high interest for your wife.

Hi Doc Love,

I am just writing to tell you that I disagree with your article about the guy who needs to give a kiss to a girl on the first date to find out if she is interested.  A woman needs time to decide how she feels about someone. I usually don’t kiss a guy on the first date. To a lot of women, a kiss is special. They just don’t kiss a guy until they have romantic feelings for him.

Most of the time I pay my own way until I know I have romantic feelings with somebody and in that way, I know I didn’t use the person. I wait until I know how I feel. If a guy does what you say to do all the time, he’ll be scaring women off. Your article is just too simplistic.

Ginny – who thinks that you are definitely wrong

Ginny,

Let me ask you something, and be honest. Have you ever had the experience of meeting a man, and knowing instantaneously that you were attracted to him, that he was your type? Have you ever, in your entire life, kissed a guy on a first date? Of course you have. And why did you kiss him on the first date? Because you liked him! You wanted him. You desired him. When you know, you know. And, when you know that you like him, you want him to know that you like him. And what do you do when you know that you like him? You plant one on him when the moment is right. You see Ginny it is that simple.

But, when you ‘need time to decide how you feel,’ that means that you are ambivalent, and I don’t want my readers going out on second dates with women who are ambivalent. My boys deserve a lot better than that. When a woman’s romantic Interest Level toward a man is in that ‘so so, wishy – washy, iffy, kinda, sorta’ category, that just doesn’t cut it. We don’t want mediocrity. We want romance and passion. To continue to go out with a guy whom you have no passion for, is not only unethical, but a waste of his time and yours.

If your romantic interest in a guy is low enough for you to insist on paying your half of the dinner check and is also low enough for you to turn your head when he wants to kiss you, are you saying, that by the next date, that there’s a good chance that you’re going to feel different? Yeah right, and Bill Clinton has decided to become a celibate monk.

When you insist that the check be split down the middle, even-steven, you’re not allowing the guy to be the protector and provider, which is what you want him to be when you like him a lot. It’s unromantic to insist on paying your half. Unfortunately, most guys don’t realize that when a girl insists on paying her half of the dinner check on a first date, there’s no chance for romance. Instead they come back for more punishment.

Ginny, two hours of dinner conversation is plenty of time for you to use all your feminine intuitive powers to determine whether or not you’re attracted to a guy. If you’re not, then sure, don’t kiss him. But if you are, you will kiss him when he wants to kiss you. You’re high Interest Level won’t allow you to not kiss him. You’ll be afraid that he might not call you again if you don’t! As “The System” says: When a girl likes you, she shows you that she likes you.

Yes Ginny, a kiss is special. And it’s to be given to a man whom you think is special. So if you don’t think he’s special, then don’t kiss him. Just make sure that you don’t go out with him again if you don’t think he’s special. Isn’t that fair?

The only reason you’re paying your own way is so you won’t feel turning your head away when your date makes his move. But when you’re romantically drawn to a man, the issue of feeling guilty about not paying for your ’fair share’ somehow just doesn’t seem to come up.  My advice to you, Ginny, is to stop going out with men to whom you’re not attracted; because as you know, whenever you do, it never goes anywhere.

Remember, guys, a woman knows when she’s attracted to a man. And more importantly, she knows it when she first meets him, period.

Dearest Doc Love,

I have been reading your articles and I am sorry to say that I find your replies contradictory, to say the least. As far as I can tell, you seem to think that the ideal woman is one who kisses a guy the moment she finds him attractive and then falls into bed with him instantaneously – girl who is obviously a bit of a slut (in your eyes).

And you also say that a girl who doesn’t respond in this way isn’t worth it because she is obviously not interested. Ever crossed your mind that she might be a bit shy? Maybe even a little hurt by the last ‘great guy’ who trapped her into a relationship using a ‘strategy’ (oh, and then tossed her aside because she didn’t quite fit into the rules)? Or perhaps she hasn’t been dating for a while, so she might be unsure of how to go about these things.

I firmly believe in women taking control of their relationships, and I always offer to pay half the check on the first date. When I offer to pay the whole check, that makes a guy realize that there is no chance whatsoever. So what if Mr. Guy doesn’t feel like the great hunter/protector when I pay my half. I’m not selling out anything for a crummy mid-evening dinner at a mediocre restaurant. If I want to kiss the guy I will. I am not being paid to do it. Your comment on how ‘unromantic’ it seems for a woman to pay half of the check is way off. How romantic, exactly, do you expect things to be on a first date?

First dates are not when the ‘fun’ begins. First dates are about two tigers circling each other trying to work things out, one of the most nerve-wracking things you can do in your life! I actually think that “The System” that you teach is just encouraging exploitive ideas on how to treat the ‘fairer’ sex. I also think that people will find that your advice and these ‘ideals’ are rather antiquated.

Yours in anticipation

Christy – who thinks you, are full of it

Dear Christy,

If you went on a first date for dinner, with a guy you were nuts about, you’d be delighted to have the 99-cent special with him at Taco Bell. The quality of the restaurant would be a non-issue. You’d be jazzed to just be spending time with him. You’d find it cute and charming to be dining on inexpensive Mexican food. And I guarantee that you wouldn’t be insisting on paying your fair share. Why not? Because you liked the guy! If all women on earth stopped going out with guys that they have no or so-so interest in, and instead only accepted dates with guys whom they really liked, half the restaurants in America would fold.

And Christy, you say that if you’re not interested in a fellow, then you pay for the entire dinner check. I do not believe you. I think you are fibbing. No woman in modern history has ever paid for the entire dinner bill on a first date – ever!

Now let’s get something else straight. Any time a woman says that she’s “shy” or that she’s “been hurt in the past” as a reason for why she doesn’t want to kiss a guy, 98% of the time she’s running a con job, just like you’re trying to do Christy. It’s a bunch of hooey. When she says, “I’m shy,” it’s Womanese for: I have no romantic interest in you!

The other 2% of women who use the “I’m shy – I’ve been hurt in the past” excuse, are incapable of giving a gentleman a nice kiss at the end of a first date because they are wounded and mistrustful. So when a guy goes for the kiss, he’s weeding out the ones who are uninterested AND also the ones who are emotionally unavailable. In this way, “The System” acts like a filter to protect a good man’s heart.

And what’s all this about my saying that certain women are sluts. I have never used that word. I challenge you to show me one sentence in any of my columns in which I even mentioned that a woman should go to bed with a guy before marriage. Christy, all I’ve been talking about is kissing.  In fact, I’m the only love doctor who never talks about sex.

You also say that men trap women into relationships. Men don’t know how to trap. It’s women who have been trained in the art of trapping since they were adolescents. And “The System” has nothing to do with trapping anyone. I’m teaching men how to court a woman properly, for the highest good of all concerned.

A first date is like two tigers circling? Well, a guy and a gal who shouldn’t be going out with each other to begin with would probably feel like adversaries on a first date. But I think that a LAMB and a tiger would be a more apt description, and the woman wouldn’t be the lamb. There are just too many guys out there who get in over their heads, and they don’t even know it.

And what do you mean – a first date isn’t meant to be fun? The fun had better begin on the first date. If it doesn’t, why would a girl want go on a second date with a guy?

Christy, you believe in taking control in your relationships? What ever happened to the idea of sharing and caring, working things out, and balanced communication? Besides all of this, you think that my advice is outdated?  “Have manners, class, keep your hands to yourself and be a good listener.” If you think that those principles are antiquated, well, call me a dinosaur.

Remember guys, don’t listen to what women say, instead, listen to me.