To be successful with women it helps to have a life.

Stay busy. Spend time on your own. Do things with friends that don’t involve the woman you’re dating.

Too many guys will meet a woman, then basically say in one way or another to her: “You are my everything now, and I will do whatever I have to do to please you and spend time with you”.

Big mistake. If you stay busy, and keep your own life going it will make you MORE attractive.

You’ve probably heard me say “Give her the gift of missing you”… and this is one good way to do it.

It also keeps your mind on straight, and makes you remember that you have a life, and you can enjoy yourself any time you want without her.

Dear Doc Love,
I need your advice and I need it quick. Here’s the story.

Last week I had my first great date with this really hot babe named Felice. Things went really well. We had Sushi at my favorite restaurant and then we went swing dancing. When I walked her to her door at the end of the evening, she invited me in, and we wound up making out on her couch like two high school kids.

I didn’t push anything even though I feel like I probably could have. When I finally left, she walked me back out to my car and gave me another very nice kiss and said, “call me” just before I drove off. The problem I’m facing now is that I’ve left three messages on her answering machine, the last one was three days ago, and she still hasn’t called me back. And I know that she’s not out of town or anything.

But there’s more to the story….

Yesterday I was talking to this other girl Cindy who knows Felice. They’re not close friends but they know each other. So I was asking Cindy why she thought Felice hasn’t called me back yet and Cindy told me that she was pretty sure that Felice was “a rules girl.”

Now I had no friggin idea what that meant, but Cindy quickly educated me. It seems that there’s this book that many women have read called ‘The Rules’. And “rules girls” always follows the rules in this book. Well one of the rules in ‘The Rules’ is that a woman should almost never return a man’s phone calls because if she does, then he will know that she likes him and she will loose her advantage over him.

I couldn’t believe it. I mean that sounded so rude and manipulative. So I went to the bookstore, and lo and behold, it’s totally for real. I kid you not. Rule number #5 in ‘The Rules’ says, and I quote: “Don’t Call Him And Rarely Return His Calls” And in that section it says; “Don’t worry about seeming rude, men always call again.” Unbelievable!

After I got over the initial shock of my discovery, I started to get really angry. Isn’t it women who are always accusing us men of playing games? What a bunch of hypocrites!

But now I’ve got to deal with this. I know that if Felice isn’t a “rules girl” then I should just forget her because if she were interested she would have called back by now. But if she is a “rules girl” then she still could be interested and is waiting for me to call back again, so I’ll have to keep calling her until I get her in person because she’s not going to call me back.

But, I keep getting her answering machine whatever time of day or night I call. (I’ve hung up on the machine all the other times that I’ve called and have only left 3 messages total, like I said) So it appears that she’s screening her calls and if she’s screening her calls, then I’ll always have to talk to her machine to tell if she’s home or not. But every time I talk to her machine and she doesn’t pick up, I’ll be leaving another message and pretty soon I’m going to look like a stalker. What the hell do I do? How can I short-circuit this “Rules” craziness? All I want to do is get her out on another date.
Dan -who doesn’t want to play by ‘The Rules’

Dear Dan,
I feel for you bro. This is a typical example of the mind games that some women play and you’re taking a beating. Here’s a girl who, you’d bet the family farm, was dying to hear from you, but when you try to make the next connection, all you get is static. Of course any guy who’s a dating veteran knows that this kind of behavior is all too common. I tell ya, women!

But don’t worry Dan; let’s get all our facts straight and then we’ll use our counter intelligence to neutralize this feminine assault on your sanity.

The book, ‘The Rules – Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’ (note the word ‘capture’ in the title) was published in 1995 and has always been controversial since the day it hit the streets. Essentially, ‘The Rules’ tells women, that when they meet a man whom they are strongly attracted to, they should take no initiative to connect with him in any way and that they should act exactly the same way they would if they had no interest in him whatsoever. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?

Check it out, here are some more choice, verbatim quotes from ‘The Rules’: “It’s never necessary to make eye contact with a man…. avoid staring romantically into a man’s eyes…. treat men you are interested in like you would any other client or patient or coworker….don’t talk to men first.” ‘The Rules’ is only really useful for women who are very needy and clingy or very pushy and way too aggressive, but the average gal has generally found that if she sticks to ‘The Rules’, they backfire on her.

In the ensuing years since the publication of this book, ‘The Rules’ has come to be looked upon with disdain by many relationship experts, but a great deal of damage has already been done and continues to be done by ‘The Rules’. I hesitate to even begin to estimate how many thousands of women wound up having great guys whom they were very interested in, pass them over because those women, while practicing ‘The Rules’, failed to give the man an encouraging look or smile. I cringe when I contemplate how many women were written off as rude and inconsiderate or just not interested because they never returned the guy’s call (even though they were dying to go out with him!)

Fortunately, many women have wised up and spread the word that ‘The Rules’ is for losers. But guys, there still are plenty of “rules girls” running rampant in the land of love, so be aware.

Dan, I never recommend leaving messages on a woman’s answering service or her answering machine until you’ve made it past the first two months. But since you’ve already gone (way too far) down that road, we’ll just deal with the situation as is.

When you mentioned that you thought that Felice would have called back by now if she were interested in you, that was a half-truth. If she was really interested in you (and she wasn’t a die hard “rules girl”) she would have returned your call after the first message you left.

The only other plausible explanation for her not calling you back is that she is indeed a hard core “rules girl.” I have just three things to say about that: If she’s so insecure that she needs to follow ‘The Rules,’ you don’t want to be with her anyway. If she’s calculating and manipulative enough to be using ‘The Rules’, you don’t want to be with her anyway. If she’s a “rules girl” who likes to make a man jump through more hoops than a circus tiger, you don’t want to be with her anyway.

Putting aside the issue of whether she’s a “rules girl,” if you’ve called all those times and have always gotten her answering machine, then it’s pretty obvious that she is, unfortunately, a full-time call screener. That in itself is a bad sign. Why do most attractive young women who screen their calls on a full time basis do that? Well, it’s almost always because they are continually giving their phone numbers out to and flirting with guys whom they never want to talk to again, and in your case, Dan, it sounds as if you’re getting screened out.

Even though she is a full-time screener, if she had high interest in you Dan, she would at least temporarily suspend her habit of screening all her calls because she was dying to hear from you. She’d be worried about what an awkward position her screening would be putting you in. The Reality Factor says that when women like you, they help you!

At this point Dan, “rules girl” or not, blow her off. You’ve already gone way beyond the call of duty. And stop trying to figure out why she’s given you mixed messages. You’re wasting your mind, and a mind is a terrible thing to waste. If this girl somehow resurfaces and calls you, apologizes profusely for her tardiness and begs to see you again, you can put her on probation and give her another shot. But whatever you do, do not call her again and leave another message.

Remember guys – If she’s “a rules girl”or simply a screener, it’s best to rule her out.

Dating Success Without Conversation Stress

Stop worrying about starting or keeping conversations going.

Just walk up to women, get their phone numbers, and then get together with them later for a cup of tea.

No ‘starting of conversations’ required.

You’ll do fine… don’t worry about ‘conversations’.

And if you do wind up in a conversation, just start out by talking about normal things, then transition into the Cocky and Funny material as you progress.

You’ll find your success in getting dates dramatically increases and improves.

Dear Doc Love,
I’m Preston. I’m 33 and I’m a fitness trainer at an upscale gym in Manhattan. I don’t seem to have any trouble meeting hot looking women at all. Sometimes I actually have more women coming onto me than I can deal with. I know it sounds like I’m bragging but it’s true. The problem is that I seem to keep winding up with girls who give me a hard time.

For instance, I’ve been spending time with this one girl named Becky. She’s about two inches taller than I am (I’m 5’10”) and she’s drop dead gorgeous. Of course she’s a model and an aspiring actress. We’ve been out twice now, and I’m really attracted to her.

So yesterday we were taking a nice walk through Central Park, enjoying the day, when she starts asking me all these intense questions about my past relationships and insists that I explain why I’ve never been married. She was so intense. I felt like no matter what I said, it wouldn’t be what she wanted to hear.

Then she goes on a rant about how all men are dishonest and cheat and use women in one way or another. And then she says: ”So Preston, do you use women?” I mean she was acting like a cop from internal affairs who knew that I was guilty and was insisting that I admit it.

The rest of the time we were together yesterday, she was totally cool and we had fun. But I can tell she’s going to come on heavy again. If there’s a way to get her to lighten up I’d like to know, because she has a lot of other nice qualities and she’s exactly my type physically. Any suggestions Doc?
Preston – who wants to know how to handle her

Hi Preston,
She’s not the problem. You’re the problem. You’ve got all these hot women coming onto you. Great! But what’s up with you that you only choose ones who hassle you? Why don’t you hang out with one who doesn’t bust your chops? I mean, why be with a demanding, high maintenance chick when there are plenty of sweet ones out there? Since you’ve got so many to choose from, pick a winner instead of a whiner. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Stay away from dogs that growl and people who growl.”

Remember, the more beautiful the woman, the more spoiled and demanding she tends to be. I think you probably need to move down the beauty scale a notch or two, Preston, and practice using The “System.” You’re not prepared to handle this type of woman.

She’s says that all men are users and that you’re guilty until proven innocent. Why would you want to be with someone who has a chip on her shoulder? It’s a big Red Flag. If this is how she behaves on the second date, can you imagine the grillings you’ll be getting from her after she’s put the ring through your nose and you’ve been married to her for a year?

And I’ll tell you something else Preston. If you started ragging on women the way Becky has on men, she’d be telling all her girlfriends what a creep you were. Somehow women feel that it is completely legitimate to label the male gender, as commitment phobic, terrified of true intimacy. But what you never hear about on Sally and Oprah, is that there are just as many women as men out there who have intimacy and commitment issues – it’s just politically correct to blame men for all our relationship problems. As every good Feminista tells us – “All men want to do is use and abuse women.”

If Becky were average looking and acted as she has, you would have already gotten rid of her, Preston. Her beauty mesmerizes you and you are not thinking clearly. One of the worst things you can do is get involved with a hot looking woman with a bad attitude. Unfortunately, too many guys will put up with all kinds of abuse, just because the girl is gorgeous. It’s dis-empowering to do that. Guys, you have to learn to not be willing to do anything for you know what. Just keep in mind that a girl who rates a 10 will sink to a 1 after she’s nagged and badgered you for two months.

Preston, this girl is not going to stop doing what she does. And you’re not going to change her. So move on to a groovier scenario. Check out the girls in the 7 to 8 range. It will be much easier to find one who’s lighthearted and sweet. And at the same time keep taking your shots at the 10’s because there are some out there who aren’t high maintenance. But any hassle out of the chute, and it’s Adios Baby!

Remember guys – the intelligent woman with high interest and a good attitude says to herself – “I’ll find out all the things I want to know about this guy’s character, over time. No need to be negative and demanding, it’s un-feminine and ungraceful.“ So pick a sweetheart instead of a Nazi interrogator.

***QUESTION***

David
I’ve read the first chapter of your book and already I’ve gotten results and a clearer vision of why I date and who I want to date. I’m leaving the “Nice Guy/Loser” behind and really getting what I want and giving women
what they want too, a cocky /funny man that they can’t rule with their whims.

Thanks,
E.

>MY COMMENTS: It’s really amazing to me that a lot of us guys use a strategy called “Be a nice guy” when we’re with a woman that we are attracted to…

But that this very strategy prevents us from EVER experiencing real success and mastery in this area!

What’s with that?

Like you said, you’re now GIVING WOMEN WHAT THEY WANT: A cocky, funny man that they can’t control. Enjoy the rest of the book.

Dear David:
I’ve had a lot of success dating on the Internet, but I would always respond with the typical, boring description and “hope to hear” sort of introduction, and let my picture do the selling, as I am a handsome guy. Well, last night I was browsing and I saw a BEAUTIFUL woman. I responded with the “let me guess, you get about 50 emails a day from geeks” email. Well, her response back started out with “How did you get my password, because you must have been reading my emails”, and ended with “so what do you do when you’re not writing charming emails?”. I included my photo, but I think I’m in here.

Thanks,
J.

>MY COMMENTS: Isn’t that GREAT?!
I love to hear stories like this one…

By the way, you would absolutely not believe that volume of email that comes in to me saying “Hey, I lost the newsletter with the personal ad response in it… can you send it to me again?” and “Everyone is talking about how well the personal ad letter you wrote works… can you send it to me?” and such.

If only I had the time to sit at my computer day and night answer all of the requests…

In any event, make sure you get her on the phone ASAP, and don’t dilly-dally. Strike while the iron is hot.

***QUESTION***

“When I ask for the phone number, women often ask “what do you need it for?” Does it mean that they are not interested or I didn’t do the talking well before or they just challenger me? If it’s a challenge, what would be a good response?
Thanks in advance,
S.

>MY COMMENTS: To me this smells like you’re giving off some strange vibes. It’s only a guess (and an educated one), but if women are asking you “What do you need it for?” often, then you’re probably coming off a little strange.

Work on your confident, cocky/funny demeanor. That should help. You must ask in a way that doesn’t say “I’m a wuss and I don’t think you’re going to give it to me”.

By the way, WHAT ARE YOU DOING STARTING OFF WITH ASKING FOR NUMBERS?

Haven’t I ranted and raved enough about how much easier it is to get email addresses, and how much better women reply to emails than calls?

Don’t make me yell at you again in public!

***FROM A WOMAN***

“I am a nineteen year old woman who searched the internet with my now-broken up boyfriend and found your newsletter and jokingly signed up for it under my screen name. Well, I have been reading it and I must say…your advice to these men is very accurate…how did YOU ever get to know all this stuff? You say that you get a lot of women writing in that it’s not fair that you tell men these things. I personally am glad that you do, I’ve searched the world over for a man who will act like that…but WOMEN want advice TOO!! The game would be a little more fair if women had the same cheat sheet that you’re giving the men. So, that being said…I have the “innocent” sort of look, and as a result many of the men I run into tend to treat me like a child. How do I get them to see me as a woman and not as their little sister?”

>MY COMMENTS: Did I ever mention that I respect 19 year old innocent-looking women highly?

To answer your question, I got to know all this stuff because I woke up one day and I was SICK AND TIRED of not knowing the first thing about how to approach women, get their number, make them feel attracted to me, etc. And I hated it.

So I spent a long time reading, learning, and getting to know guys who knew how to attract women. I looked for the common elements, and I refined those (and developed several of my own in the process).

By the way, if you want to learn the female version of how to be attractive, read the book “The Rules.” I even recommend that guys read it. Fun stuff.

So back to your problem of being an innocent-looking 19 year old woman who wants more respect…

Stay tuned to these emails, and use what you learn.

Oh, and call me for some private consulting. Your situation sounds challenging, but I think I may be able to help.

***QUESTION***

Dave,
I won’t bore you with more exclamations of how you are the man or how your techniques are the best thing since french ticklers, so let me get right to the success story and a follow up question. Met a sweet young thing at the university I attend. Went from never having spoken to her at all last semester to having her come sit by me this semester every day because I make her laugh. Sprinkle in lots of “smileys” and “winkey” faces in e-mail, never mentioning her boyfriend, etc. and you see where I’m going. The 19-year old Italian ballet dancer is making pasta for me at her place later this week, and I can’t wait to see what she has in mind for dessert.

The question is not mentioned in your e-mails or in your book (which I did download and which does rock the house). What is, in your experience, the best way to deal with “cock-blockers”. These are the guys that while you are talking to a girl, even just during the brief one or two minutes, have to jump it at annoyingly high volume with their favorite anecdotal contribution to your humor. It wrecks not only the rhythm but the attention of the target. Obviously bashing him/her isn’t the plan as we’re not here to get into confrontations. What methods have you found to best deal with this? Let’s assume this is a girl you really want to home in on, so at least until you find out if she is available, “moving on to the next one” isn’t the first option.

I’d also like to mention that while you stress the importance of not using these techniques at work, I would like to stress that a workplace environment is an exceptional place to practice! Avoid any of the sexual innuendo but be cocky and funny. Find out what works and what doesn’t. Find out what girls in the age group are looking for that month. And so on. Even if you don’t ever get with any of them, they are great “sharpening stones”.
Be cool, D.

>MY COMMENTS: This is a great question, because it actually happens often.

As far as I’m concerned, you have to just be a Jedi.

Your only purpose is to get her email address and phone number.

Don’t worry about anything else.

If someone starts being stupid and distracting, just cut it short, and say “It was nice talking to you, I’m going to get back to my friends and leave you two to chat….

…Hey, do you have email?”

Then just get her email and number right in front of your admiring blocker, and walk away. Take it as a signal that it’s time to get the info and hit the road.

***QUESTION***

Lots of respect Dave,
I have and issue, no matter where i am and i see a girl that i like, i am some how afraid to go over and talk to her. If you could let me know what to do to get rid of this fear as soon as possible.
Thanks.

>MY COMMENTS: It takes a lot of nerve to admit that you’re afraid in these situations. You’re not alone.

Here’s the deal:
Every one of us is different.

I know you want a quick solution, but a quick solution depends more on you than it does on anything else.

I recommend that you start by chatting with women on AOL and other instant messaging services. This is great free practice, and it allows you to think, because IMs are slow.

Next, work your way up to conversations with waitresses, checkers, bar tenders, hostesses, and other women who are being paid to be nice to you.

Then, try doing something that involves a lot of people with a common interest… like yoga, pottery, or sports. These situations have a lot of built in opportunities to talk to women you don’t know.

Finally, start talking to women that you see everywhere.

Of course, it’s very important to know what to say, and how to talk to them. For a full explanation of the mindset and attitude, refer to my book “Double Your Dating.”

It’s up to you how fast you progress. Remember, they don’t bite… (well, most of them don’t).

***COMMENT***

David i liked your email about “Are you a player” One response that I really liked and that has worked for me is a play on words, no pun intended. I’ve been asked if I a player not if I date other women. So I have used the responses:

“Yeah, (pause) I play/played hockey, I play basketball. . .”

Or if I have already had sex with her or fooled around with her:

“Well i like playing playing with you” (then give her a little pat on on the butt or touch her somewhere else)

Its been my experience, you may or not agree, that women find this a play on words is not only funny, as long as you don’t sound like a dumbass, but imaginative all the while making you more attractive to them.

>MY COMMENTS: Ah, someone who gets it.

***QUESTION***

David,
What kind of style or clothing do you recommend to attract women? Dark colors? Solids? Collared shirts? What kind of pants? Shoes? Accessories like watches etc?

And still try not to spend a fortune! And just curious, does a man in uniform have any advantages and if so, what uniform is the best?
Thanks
B.

>MY COMMENTS: I recommend that you check out how Motley Crue dresses, and try to copy them as much as you can. They seem to get a lot of girls, so try that.

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, YOUR FASHION CONSULTANT? lol…

This is actually a great question for your FEMALE FRIENDS.

If there’s one thing you can usually count on getting from your women friends, it’s good fashion advice. And they often know the great discount places to shop as well.

My take on fashion is that you don’t have to wear expensive clothes or fancy watches, but it sure helps if you know what you’re doing and you have at least a little bit of style.

Start reading GQ when you’re at the newsstand… watch how the handsome lead guys are dressing in the movies… stay tuned to what kinds of jeans are in, what kinds of colors are in, and what kinds of shoes are in. It really doesn’t take very much time at all.

Then go down to your local discount clothing store like Ross Dress For Less, Marshalls, or my favorite, The Nordstrom Rack, and mix-and-match up some hip getups for your bad self.

A lot of the guys I know who are very successful women are neither rich, tall, or handsome…

…but almost all of them dress well.

And dressing well doesn’t mean spending a lot of money, it means knowing HOW. Someone who knows HOW can walk into a Goodwill or used clothing store, and walk out looking great having spent twenty bucks.

And remember, women ALWAYS know whether you know or not.

***QUESTION***

Hi David,
I’ve known this girl I grew up with since we were little, but the only problem is that I don’t know how I should go about telling her that I’m interested in her, every time that we are out with some friends of our every thing is all right, but when its just me and her in the car its quiet not much to say to one another and that if its the right thing to do to ask her if there could be something between her and I since we are so close what should I do.

Thanks…”

>MY COMMENTS: SSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPP!

Whoa, Trigger.
The first thing you need to do is NOT “go about telling her that you’re interested in her.”

And the second thing you need to do is NOT “ask her if there could be something between her and I”.

NO NO NO NO NO.

But first, let’s address the “every time we go out and it’s just her and me in the car it’s quiet” thing.

The reason that it’s quiet is because YOU LIKE HER, SHE KNOWS THAT YOU DO, YOU CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY TO HER, AND YOU JUST ACT LIKE A WUSS… WHICH ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE.

I’d be quiet if I were in a car with you myself (but, unlike her, I think you’re pretty cute).

Try this:
Do yourself a huge favor, and date a few other women for awhile.
Don’t call her for a week or two.
Then, when you do talk to her or see her again, just be friends with her.
Tell her about what you’re up to, that you’re dating some other women, and that you have to go… then hang up.

You need to get some other options in your life, and you need to quit being quiet and creating that uncomfortable silence which says “I’m attracted to you, I’m insecure about it, and I’m sure hoping that you like me back.” Don’t do that anymore.

Women aren’t attracted to weakness and insecurity. And one of the best ways to communicate that you’re weak and insecure is to ASK
her if she likes you, or tell her you like her.
And read my book “Double Your Dating.” You’ll learn a lot.

***QUESTION***

Dave,
I have a question. A few months back I started dating this fantastic woman. We hit it off instantly. I have been practicing the cockiness before with great success. She loved it and things went along great. The mixture of romance and cockiness worked very well but stopped working. The problem is that she has suddenly decided she does not want a boyfriend right now because she has many things to work out. I have given her space, and she will email me or call after a few days to see what I’m up to, but no indication of when or if we will go out again. Do I give up, keep at what I’m presently doing, or just move on? Thanks
T. in Dallas

>MY COMMENTS: This is only a guess because I don’t know all of the details, but my guess is that you DIDN’T GIVE HER ENOUGH SPACE.

You probably called her too much, saw her too much, and acted like a clingy-boy.

When a woman says any of the following:

“I don’t want a relationship right now”

“I really care about our friendship and don’t want to mess that up”

“I like you as a friend”

“I need some time to find myself”

…it usually can be translated thusly:

“You were cool at the beginning, but you started acting like a wuss, and I just don’t FEEL IT for you.”

Solution: Don’t call often. End conversations first. Give her space. Always end interactions too soon, and on a high note…

Get it?

Don’t take it personally, take responsibility.

And remember, ATTRACTION ISN’T LOGICAL. Women aren’t attracted to what they SHOULD be attracted to.

If you want women to feel attraction, you’re going to have to learn how to create it.

Stay tuned.

***QUESTION***

Hi David,
Your newsletter is really good. I come from Scotland and although I can detect a slight ‘American’ influence it really works well. I have a problem David that I just don’t know will ever be solved but I’d like to ask you anyway. I realise it is a bit heavy but the main thing is I’m sort of OK with it. I have a disability David that I think puts women off from the ‘this is my man, an he’ll provide for me, attitude’ Talking to women as never been much of a problem (I think I’m OK at communication). ; even hooking up sometimes and more often than not the ‘back to my place thing’.

I’ve also been involved with a women for four years and although the sex is great, deep down we both know we aren’t going anywhere. It gets worse because she is a good friend now and a companion. She also helps me clean the house up and has one of my keys. I just don’t know what to do David. I don’t expect you to reply to this e-mail but if you do, thanks for all the tips. For all the other guys out there – listen to this man – he knows what he’s talking about.

Cheers,
A.

>MY COMMENTS: I hope you see the irony in your email to me…

I get emails all the time that say:

“Oh, David… please help me… I’m a good-looking, athletic guy, but I just can’t figure out what to do with the ladies…” and such.

And you’re emailing me saying that you have all kinds of success with women, and you’re just ending a four-year relationship… and you want to know what I think about your situation.

Here’s the deal: Sure, some women might have an initial issue with your disability. We all have aspects of our lives that aren’t the “ideal” socially approved variety.

But you will only be as limited as you allow yourself to be.

I know and know of guys that have overcome so many incredible challenges and gone on to be successful in all areas of life, that I can only say “You can make whatever you want to make of your own life and success.” And this includes success with women. You’re already way ahead of most guys…

***QUESTION***

David,
I am a 39 year old guy and am still single because of a lot of personal problems I went thru in the early and mid 1990s (nothing too serious–wasn’t arrested, didn’t go bankrupt, wasn’t psycho, etc). Now that all of this is in the past, I’ve been venturing out into the dating scene again. As I’m more serious about finding a relationship, I prefer women in their 30s and early 40s. My question is this: Do you think that the “cocky and funny” routine works on women in their 30s and 40s too? It seems to me that women of this age group who are divorced/single do not want to play games as much. I’m not looking to play games either.

Or should I take a modified approach to cocky/funny?
Thanks,
Dating in Chicago

>MY COMMENTS: You’re using the word “games” here to describe the cocky/funny attitude, and I think that we’re mixing up our definitions and associations.

When I think of “games” as the term relates to men, women, and dating, I think of things like lying, cheating, and manipulation (in the negative sense).

Cocky and funny is a fun, attractive attitude that is VERY attractive in general – to women of all ages.

And yes, women that are in their 30s and early 40s love it.

***QUESTION***

Bonjour David,
I’m 31 and i teach computer office stuff. Most of my students are woman from 22 to 50. I’ve always been the guy that is …I wouldn’t not say an AFC, but in french we say “homme rose”. So, i’ve been reading your mail for a while and after i finally got the courage to change my personality, I started acting cocky and funny (and why not practice on my classes). Would you believe it, in an instant my classes became a chicken farm…and i’m the only rooster…ahahah!(picture me in front of 20 women that really enjoy looking at me and listening to me!!!). I’m not talking about flirting here. Their attitude toward me changed dramatically, some of them kiss me when they get into class, they touch me a lot now, they try to match me with the hottest in the class, it’s very funny. I have a girlfriend that i truly love for more than a year now, but realizing that i can attract a lot of woman gave me confidence toward what i can bring to my girlfriend. That way i know that if our relationship ends one days (i don’t want that but…) i can just turn around and have other options…

What is strange about this new situation, now they pass the word around that im a bad boy ( i guess to them it’s a way of saying attractive man, different from others). To all of you readers. The more you will act cocky/funny, the more this will become your nature, blended with your own personal style.

In the history book of seduction. Your name is in it David.
S.

>MY COMMENTS: Tomorrow I’m going to call up and find out what I need to do in order to teach computer skills to groups of women.

***QUESTION***

Dave,
Your stuff is right on. The thing I like most about it is that you keep your self-respect when use the stuff in your book . . . and women pick up on this.

My question is this: Can you recommend any exercises that one can do on his own that can keep him from behaving like 95% of the losers that have no spine and no persistence? You know… some “spine strengthening” exercises.

Keep up the good work,
S.

>MY COMMENTS: The best exercise is to make sure to practice with EVERY woman you meet. From the grocery store line to the operator on the telephone. All of them.

Test every kind of cocky/funny idea you can come up with.

If you’re on the phone with the operator, say:

“Wow, thanks for your help… I think this relationship is off to a good start.”

If you’re in a clothing store and a woman asks “Can I help you?” say “Wow, this new cologne must be working… I’ve had a woman walk up and talk to me in every store I’ve been in.”

Just practice saying charming, funny, slightly arrogant things.

If you keep this up, you’ll keep seeing the positive responses that you’ll get, and it will become “reflexive.”

***INTERESTING STORY AND QUESTION***

David,
I have had a lot more success with women since I got your e-book. The techniques do work, however I realize that I have a ways to go before I really get rid of my bad habits in dealing with women and get to be good with your material.

Background and Question: I met this girl a year ago, we hit it off real well for quite a while, but then she went cold on me (you don’t have to say it:) I know, I started really liking her, and started to make all the wussy mistakes that most unenlightened guys make–the biggest mistake was that one night she was rather inebriated and obviously wanted sex, but I did not make any advances on her in that state; that was when she really lost interest in me.

So I got pissed at her for the way she was acting after that (ignoring me completely, not doing things with me she had committed to etc.), and didn’t contact her anymore (as a side note, I had not yet found your newsletter or ezine at the time, nor had I decided that I had to really get this aspect of my life dealt with–after she started acting uninterested, I decided that I must fix this part of my life–so I bought your ebook).

Let me explain that I am a very inexperienced guy when it comes to women (I am very young and still a virgin)–so I have some major stumbling blocks like getting up the courage to kiss her, to know HOW to transition it to the next level etc.

So after a couple of months, she called me and was all friendly like nothing ever happened. She told me she was seeing another guy, so I wished her the best and ended the call first–but I know she was curious at least about me (of course—she was not used to getting the cold shoulder from me).

It went on like this for several months (on friendly but very aloof terms for my part–I always had to go, ended the call first etc) til recently; she called me last week and invited me out with her to see some Flamenco dancing. I was noncommittal and said I would get back with her the next day to confirm or not. I was supposed to call her back the next day, but decided to make her call me so I wouldn’t look too interested. Sure enough she called me that afternoon and I accepted. She insisted that she pay for the tickets and treat me out (I told her that I was broke on the phone), and so we went.

On the way there she started to tell me that she was single again (hint) and that she was upset that she was shot down by a guy recently. Halfway through the performance, there was a break when we could talk and she bought us drinks, started to complain how she had never been asked for marriage (for crying out loud, she’s barely 20, and she is certainly cute with a great figure). She is also convinced that I have girls all over me–she kept bringing the subject, and Dave, I must say that I very skillfully didn’t answer her direct questions, but made it into cocky funny jokes. She still wonders…

I teased her about this for a bit and was cocky and funny the whole time. On the way home she wanted a light from me and I told her “for a kiss” in a funny way to which she said that she would find her own lighter and wasn’t a good kisser; I told her she needed to be taught by a good teacher, and that I would have to just steal that kiss and teach her (however I didn’t–no good opportunity arose as she was driving a difficult road and there was a console between us–should I have just kissed her anyway when I wanted to kiss her?).

Then we got home and she told me again that she was real tired and not feeling well (which she had been saying all evening, in fact even on the phone that day, and I think it was the truth) and I left after thanking her and kissing her on the cheek (there were no cues for me to make any moves so I didn’t).

OK– sorry for all the background but it is necessary. Now the questions: Is she interested in me again as I think? Did I handle it alright for a novice? What cues do I need to put my arm around her and cuddle, etc., or do I need any cue from her to do these things? She is not a touchy feely person.

And finally, how should I handle it from now on? This is most important. There is a dance this Saturday, should I ask her out or stay aloof?

Thanks my friend,
C.

>MY COMMENTS: Your email made an impact on me… because it covers a lot of different real-world issues that us guys have to face all the time with women.

Sometimes a woman will be flirting with you, then the next time she’s cold as a fish.

Sometimes it will seem like she likes you, then it won’t.

Often, if you stop calling a woman who didn’t seem interested, she’ll start calling you.

Here are a few things to remember:

1) Women are attracted to men for very different reasons (in general) than men are attracted to women for.

2) Women are, in my experience, far more “fickle”. In other words, one day they’ll seem interested, the next day they won’t.

3) If a woman knows that you’re completely taken with her at the very beginning, she’ll be FAR less likely to be taken with YOU.

You’re doing just fine.

One of the most important things you can possibly do right now is to REMEMBER NOT TO TAKE ANY OF THIS PERSONALLY… AND NOT LET ANY OF IT DRIVE YOU CRAZY.

If you stick with it, keep learning, and keep practicing, you will start to get a “feel” for what’s going on with women.

And soon, you’ll be sitting back, thinking to yourself:

“Well, let’s see… I’ll bet that when this girl meets guys they fall for her quickly. Guys probably call her all the time. I’m going to call her, get off the phone quickly, give her some space, and if she doesn’t call me within a week or so I’ll give her another short call.”

And you’ll know which situations to do this in and why this is the right thing to do.
…and to anyone reading this right now start this great change by clicking here.

I recommend that you stop thinking about ‘bagging’ and ‘closing the deal’ and start thinking about how you can make her feel attraction.

If a woman feels attraction for you, then the ‘bagging’ will take care of itself. Are you with me here?

Also, stop focusing too much energy on one woman.

If you’re just dating women right now, never put too much importance on one woman… Especially one that you’ve never even talked to.

Meet other women.

Go out. And get your mind of off ‘closing’ and ‘bagging’. That’s needy, user talk.

Dear Dr. Neder,
I’m a woman, wondering about having an orgasm.

How do you actually know if you’re having one? How do you know if you’re at your climax point of being stimulated if you’ve never had one before? When do you know you can’t go any higher?
Thanks for all your help.

Hello!
As I’m sure you probably know, there are many women that have never had an orgasm. It seems unfair to me that some women can climax many, many times, and others have never had a single one!

The climax is actually an important physiological function! It helps to stimulate the nervous system and actually opens up communication channels within the body. It causes hormone production; it relieves stress and actually reduces pain due to its endorphin-releasing effect. In short the orgasm is very important!

So, how do you know if you’ve ever cum? If you’re not sure, you probably haven’t. It’s not that you can pinpoint very specific sensations or feelings as different women often report different things. Some say that their climaxes are huge physical and emotional explosions and others say that they feel like electric waves washing through their bodies. Still others say it is just a “profound sense of well-being”. It’s no wonder there is such confusion about the female climax!

The first question to ask is: do you masturbate? Almost everyone does and it’s an important aspect to a person’s sexuality, but a few women (and even fewer men) don’t. That is a big mistake because if you don’t understand your own sexual response, how will anyone else? Further, how will you learn to communicate to someone what you need to reach climax, and when you’ve actually done it? Let’s face it, there isn’t a big red flag on your ass that goes up when you cum! So, if you don’t masturbate yet, that’s the first place to start. I won’t go into all of the technique or issues around masturbating here as it’s outside your particular question.

Next, if you do masturbate, what do you get from it? Is it just a sense of relief or relaxation, or is it a private place where you can explore fantasies? This is another critical key to understanding your own sexual response. Fantasies are rich and powerful ways to understand yourself. They have no other equal.

As far as being able to “turn it up” – that is, to increase the sensation and benefit of an orgasm, you first have to understand what in yourself produces them. You see, even when you’re with a partner, your orgasm is something YOU create – not that someone else gives you! Once you understand this, and when you learn to manage your own sexual response, then you can begin to explore what things make them grow.

Many women find that vocalizing helps to improve their orgasms. Others find that breathing, (or not breathing!) makes it better. Some find that certain positions stimulate them in ways that produces better orgasms, or that certain kinds of sex (like oral sex) makes it work. Still others find that certain kinds of muscular tension improve the sensation. Every woman is different!

I actually have been with women that were non-orgasmic when I met them and became easily orgasmic once they began to understand their own sexual responses. I’m not bragging here – these women did this themselves – I only provided a loving, caring, accepting environment in which they could explore these things without guilt! Some of these women can even climax at will – just from being hugged or kissed for instance!

So, you have everything in you right now to take your own sexuality anywhere you want it to go. All you have to do is to open yourself up to the possibilities and start to discover what about you makes you go “Ohhhhhh!”

Best regards…
Dennis Neder

Dear Doc,
I have an interesting problem that I hope you can help me with. I’m 38 years old and I’m a stockbroker with a large brokerage firm. (No I’m not writing because I’m depressed about the slump in the Dow. My career is actually going quite well, in spite of our current economic problems.)

Here’s my situation. There’s this girl that I see every Thursday night in my computer class. She’s black (from Haiti). I’m Italian, from Brooklyn. She’s a total babe and has a fantastic personality. Very intelligent and has her own business working as an agent for television commercial directors.

Our computer class has been going on for about 6 weeks now, but since the very first night she has been flirting with me, quite blatantly. Last week she even said to me, “So when are you going to ask me out?” I told her, “Probably soon.”

I’m usually a lot more firm and decisive. When it’s time to take action, I take action. So, why didn’t I simply ask her out? The problem for me, and I have to say I feel embarrassed about this because I think maybe I’m being kind of a wimp. Anyway, the problem is that I’m 5’6” tall and this girl is a solid 6 feet tall. And of course in heels she’s even taller.

I have no problem whatsoever with our racial differences. (My longest relationship was actually with a girl who was originally from Ethiopia.) It’s the height difference that’s messing with my mind! When I stand next to her I feel like a midget and not very manly. I’m trying to imagine the two of us out on a date in public as a couple and it just seems weird to me. I know that I’d be very uncomfortable.

But otherwise she has so many of the qualities that I look for in a girlfriend. When we’re both sitting down together and my mind isn’t on the height problem, I feel very romantic towards her.

Half of me wants to just make up an excuse to tell her as to why I can’t date her, and the other half of me feels like I’d be being weak and foolish if I did that. I don’t know. Do you think there’s a way for me to overcome my discomfort and feel more comfortable and confident? Do you think it’s a healthy thing for a guy to date a girl who’s half a foot taller than himself? What do you say Doc? Any ideas?

Theron – who is very confused.

Hi Theron,
Your discomfort with the discrepancy in height between you and your Haitian honey is understandable. But I recommend that you be courageous and push yourself beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone.

The way I see it, you’ve got two choices here. You can pass on this extraordinary opportunity and thereby further validate your fears and insecurities OR, you can have a new adventure with an exotic woman who looks as if she could win the Miss World Contest. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “the path of fear or the path of courage and adventure, which is it gonna to be, boy?”

Think about it. What’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you were out in public with this gal? Are you afraid that someone might snicker at you? Perhaps some might. But I’d say, that most people would be looking at you with envy or admiration or intense curiosity, wondering what powerful personal qualities you have that you were able to attract such an exotic beauty.

If you give yourself plenty of approval for being the great guy that you are, then you won’t be dependent on other people’s approval or compromised by their disapproval. You won’t care what people think one way or another. Use this situation to exercise your self-esteem muscles. See if you can get into the headspace of simply not giving a hoot. See if you can become hootless.

There’s no way of telling right now if being in a relationship with your statuesque class-mate would work for you over the long haul or not. But you may possibly discover that with time and a whole lot of sweetness and High Interest from her, that her height (or your lack of it in comparison) has become a non-issue for you. Who knows? But you’ll only find out if you go out with her. If you don’t go out with her, nothing will happen and that’s pretty boring.

To give you a little extra inspiration, Theron, allow me to share a brief personal anecdote with you. A couple of years ago, while waiting for a friend at the bar in the Beverly Hilton hotel, I struck up a conversation with a chap of rather diminutive stature. He was an average looking guy and was no more than 5’5’’ tall. He told me that he was a real estate agent and that he was dating a model.

At the time I thought that he was giving me more of the usual L.A.-big-talker hype. But a few minutes later, lo and behold, his Claudia Schiffer look-alike girlfriend who was taller than a camel, came walking in, sat down in his lap and gave him a long wet kiss right there in front of me.

He introduced me to her, then said goodbye and walked on out to the lobby with her, arm in arm. And I’ve got to tell you that this guy was as cool and comfortable and as confident as Vin Diesel in a tight spot. Plus, he got off on her height.

So, Theron, get that Caribbean cutie out on a date. When the two of you are together, make no remarks about how tall she is. And if she wants to put her arm around you while you’re walking down the street, go with it. Just make sure that YOU are the one walking on the traffic side of the sidewalk.

Remember, guys: If you go out with a woman who’s taller than you, tell her to wear high heels.