Dear Doc Love,
I need your advice and I need it quick. Here’s the story.
Last week I had my first great date with this really hot babe named Felice. Things went really well. We had Sushi at my favorite restaurant and then we went swing dancing. When I walked her to her door at the end of the evening, she invited me in, and we wound up making out on her couch like two high school kids.
I didn’t push anything even though I feel like I probably could have. When I finally left, she walked me back out to my car and gave me another very nice kiss and said, “call me” just before I drove off. The problem I’m facing now is that I’ve left three messages on her answering machine, the last one was three days ago, and she still hasn’t called me back. And I know that she’s not out of town or anything.
But there’s more to the story….
Yesterday I was talking to this other girl Cindy who knows Felice. They’re not close friends but they know each other. So I was asking Cindy why she thought Felice hasn’t called me back yet and Cindy told me that she was pretty sure that Felice was “a rules girl.”
Now I had no friggin idea what that meant, but Cindy quickly educated me. It seems that there’s this book that many women have read called ‘The Rules’. And “rules girls” always follows the rules in this book. Well one of the rules in ‘The Rules’ is that a woman should almost never return a man’s phone calls because if she does, then he will know that she likes him and she will loose her advantage over him.
I couldn’t believe it. I mean that sounded so rude and manipulative. So I went to the bookstore, and lo and behold, it’s totally for real. I kid you not. Rule number #5 in ‘The Rules’ says, and I quote: “Don’t Call Him And Rarely Return His Calls” And in that section it says; “Don’t worry about seeming rude, men always call again.” Unbelievable!
After I got over the initial shock of my discovery, I started to get really angry. Isn’t it women who are always accusing us men of playing games? What a bunch of hypocrites!
But now I’ve got to deal with this. I know that if Felice isn’t a “rules girl” then I should just forget her because if she were interested she would have called back by now. But if she is a “rules girl” then she still could be interested and is waiting for me to call back again, so I’ll have to keep calling her until I get her in person because she’s not going to call me back.
But, I keep getting her answering machine whatever time of day or night I call. (I’ve hung up on the machine all the other times that I’ve called and have only left 3 messages total, like I said) So it appears that she’s screening her calls and if she’s screening her calls, then I’ll always have to talk to her machine to tell if she’s home or not. But every time I talk to her machine and she doesn’t pick up, I’ll be leaving another message and pretty soon I’m going to look like a stalker. What the hell do I do? How can I short-circuit this “Rules” craziness? All I want to do is get her out on another date.
Dan -who doesn’t want to play by ‘The Rules’
Dear Dan,
I feel for you bro. This is a typical example of the mind games that some women play and you’re taking a beating. Here’s a girl who, you’d bet the family farm, was dying to hear from you, but when you try to make the next connection, all you get is static. Of course any guy who’s a dating veteran knows that this kind of behavior is all too common. I tell ya, women!
But don’t worry Dan; let’s get all our facts straight and then we’ll use our counter intelligence to neutralize this feminine assault on your sanity.
The book, ‘The Rules – Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’ (note the word ‘capture’ in the title) was published in 1995 and has always been controversial since the day it hit the streets. Essentially, ‘The Rules’ tells women, that when they meet a man whom they are strongly attracted to, they should take no initiative to connect with him in any way and that they should act exactly the same way they would if they had no interest in him whatsoever. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?
Check it out, here are some more choice, verbatim quotes from ‘The Rules’: “It’s never necessary to make eye contact with a man…. avoid staring romantically into a man’s eyes…. treat men you are interested in like you would any other client or patient or coworker….don’t talk to men first.” ‘The Rules’ is only really useful for women who are very needy and clingy or very pushy and way too aggressive, but the average gal has generally found that if she sticks to ‘The Rules’, they backfire on her.
In the ensuing years since the publication of this book, ‘The Rules’ has come to be looked upon with disdain by many relationship experts, but a great deal of damage has already been done and continues to be done by ‘The Rules’. I hesitate to even begin to estimate how many thousands of women wound up having great guys whom they were very interested in, pass them over because those women, while practicing ‘The Rules’, failed to give the man an encouraging look or smile. I cringe when I contemplate how many women were written off as rude and inconsiderate or just not interested because they never returned the guy’s call (even though they were dying to go out with him!)
Fortunately, many women have wised up and spread the word that ‘The Rules’ is for losers. But guys, there still are plenty of “rules girls” running rampant in the land of love, so be aware.
Dan, I never recommend leaving messages on a woman’s answering service or her answering machine until you’ve made it past the first two months. But since you’ve already gone (way too far) down that road, we’ll just deal with the situation as is.
When you mentioned that you thought that Felice would have called back by now if she were interested in you, that was a half-truth. If she was really interested in you (and she wasn’t a die hard “rules girl”) she would have returned your call after the first message you left.
The only other plausible explanation for her not calling you back is that she is indeed a hard core “rules girl.” I have just three things to say about that: If she’s so insecure that she needs to follow ‘The Rules,’ you don’t want to be with her anyway. If she’s calculating and manipulative enough to be using ‘The Rules’, you don’t want to be with her anyway. If she’s a “rules girl” who likes to make a man jump through more hoops than a circus tiger, you don’t want to be with her anyway.
Putting aside the issue of whether she’s a “rules girl,” if you’ve called all those times and have always gotten her answering machine, then it’s pretty obvious that she is, unfortunately, a full-time call screener. That in itself is a bad sign. Why do most attractive young women who screen their calls on a full time basis do that? Well, it’s almost always because they are continually giving their phone numbers out to and flirting with guys whom they never want to talk to again, and in your case, Dan, it sounds as if you’re getting screened out.
Even though she is a full-time screener, if she had high interest in you Dan, she would at least temporarily suspend her habit of screening all her calls because she was dying to hear from you. She’d be worried about what an awkward position her screening would be putting you in. The Reality Factor says that when women like you, they help you!
At this point Dan, “rules girl” or not, blow her off. You’ve already gone way beyond the call of duty. And stop trying to figure out why she’s given you mixed messages. You’re wasting your mind, and a mind is a terrible thing to waste. If this girl somehow resurfaces and calls you, apologizes profusely for her tardiness and begs to see you again, you can put her on probation and give her another shot. But whatever you do, do not call her again and leave another message.
Remember guys – If she’s “a rules girl”or simply a screener, it’s best to rule her out.
