Women are very adaptable, and if you take things too far, just remember to diffuse the situation quickly and learn from it.

Once she sees that you were just using your cocky attitude on her, she’ll most likely bounce right back.

Unfortunately, too many guys will turn into insta-wuss and start apologizing for what they said.

Don’t do that!

Continue on, just back off a bit of the hardness of your talk.

She’ll stay with you.

I recommend that you DO NOT do something expensive and typical like going and picking a woman up, taking her to dinner, etc. for a first date.

Instead, either:

1) Have her come to your place, and leave for a cup of tea from there.

2) Meet her at a coffee shop that’s CLOSE to your place, and if she flakes out, you can still enjoy yourself and you’re not far from home.

Another rule of thumb I have is to not make a date too far in advance.

I’ve found that often times, you can call a woman up and say “Let’s go get a cup of coffee RIGHT NOW”.

It’s rare that I would ever make plans more than a day in advance… this also helps prevent flaking out and canceling your date.

Dear Dr. Neder,

I was in a long distance relationship over the internet and it ended 5 weeks ago. Basically I screwed up in silly ways and hurt her. I quit for a day, but came back and after staying away for another day she added me again during that first week (she said she’ll always love me.)

Over the next week or so I tried to put things back together with her. I asked if she needed time and space and she said yes because she wasn’t over things. We both were/are in deeply love. I was talking about our relationship with other regulars on the site and I know she hates that. One guy ratted me out about saying things to her claiming that we’ll only be “friends” and well I finally just stayed away for a week and a half and came back last Friday.

I know she still feels the same and eventually will consider taking me back. She’s a flirt and obviously has been naughty since, even if it means nothing that side of stuff.

I know I should just give it more time, but when I see her online I try to be strong and make it look like her flirting doesn’t bother me, but I can’t seem to help myself and I contact her again. I know she thinks we are meant to be (even if we’re in totally different countries.)

I’d like your advice on what she’s thinking and some suggestions as to how to handle this with her. Do I just need to try to back off and give this more time?

Hello!

Being in a long-distance relationship means that you were in no relationship at all. The “relationship” existed only in your head – nowhere else.

First of all, I don’t read minds, so I can’t tell you what she’s thinking. The only one that knows that is her. You’re going to have to go ask her.  Now, let me ask you: what do you really want from me here? Do you want me to help you perpetuate this fantasy you have? Do you want me to tell you how to actually PREVENT you from having a REAL relationship with a girl right there in your own backyard with all the richness that you deserve?

I’m not going to do that. This long-distance thing is absolutely ridiculous. You may FEEL like it’s something, but it’s not. It only exists in your noggin.

If you can’t reach out and hold her hand whenever you want. If you can’t kiss her lips or hold her when she needs, you have nothing.  Even worse, you’re actually PREVENTING yourself from finding someone that you could have these things with! You think you’re in a “committed relationship” (or were) with this girl? No, you’re not. It’s simply not reality, and I’m not going to help you continue this unhealthy, cruel fantasy.

Best regards…
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Dear Doc,
Your “System” has been guiding me, but I’ve never had this happen before.
Here’s a little background. I’m 33 and what I’d call handsome in an offbeat kind of a way. I’m a successful screenwriter and I live in the Hollywood Hills in a big beautiful home with an edge pool that I designed myself.

This girl I went out with is quite attractive, 5 ft. 7 in. blonde hair, blue eyes, flawless skin, slender maybe 110 pounds yet nicely curved, very intelligent and resembles Kim Bassinger, or maybe her younger sister if she has one. She is in her mid 30’s and has never been married. She lives near me in the same neighborhood.

I did everything according to your “System.” I was the quintessential well-mannered, well-dressed and polite gentleman.

I met her at a party and waited over a week to call her. The first date was a weeknight walk in the park and a meal at an inexpensive restaurant with great atmosphere near the ocean. I have a new Lexus but picked her up in my older but clean Ford F-150 pickup truck instead.

Seven days later I arranged for supper at a Mexican restaurant and then a movie at the ‘dollar’ cinema. I paid for everything.

I tore up her phone number when she refused to kiss me after that second date. Buddies of mine who had seen her said I was completely nuts for getting rid of her.

I got ragged on so badly that I relented and looked her up in the phone book to call again except I waited a full month to call her. I figured that if I was a super Challenge that she might possibly ‘crack.’

I suggested that we meet at the free jazz concerts at the city amphitheater for a brown bag supper and great music. She refused, saying she didn’t like ‘Jazz’. That was two weeks ago.

Tonight I unexpectedly ran into her at the local newsstand. We were both alone, so I stopped to talk to her and, boy, did she give me an earful!

She barely let me get a word in edgewise after the subject came around to our dates. She called me “CHEAP” and said that I “dislike women,” that I “don’t know how to treat women,” that she never dated a guy like me, that she expects a guy she dates to spend money on the date and not see how CHEAP he can be.

She said that she was used to having guys treat her with respect not like the CHEAP way I treated her. She actually said that if I was a REAL man that I would have brought her flowers and gifts. She said that I was a great looking guy but that I’d never meet a good woman using my unconventional dating methods.

She demanded I write something down and even searched her purse for a paper and pencil to give me, then she dictated: “Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray. “This is a book that I want you to buy and read.” Since she called me cheap so many times I thought I’d get a shot back at her so I asked if I could just borrow her copy. She said, “NO, it’s only $7.50.” So I asked if I could borrow $7.50 from her and she just glared at me.

But then she started at me again. “On our first date you spent less than $7 on me. And the date after that at the Mexican restaurant and the movie? You spent less than $20 on me that night. I called all my girlfriends and at work the next day I told all my co-workers how you insulted me. None of them had heard of such a thing!”

She went on and on with a passion I’ve never seen She is attractive enough to only date hunky ‘alpha’ males, even though I’ve never thought of myself as one.

I found it odd that she was so upset yet took the time to bend my ear for over a half an hour.

I seem to have really gotten under her skin .

I thought you’d find all this pretty interesting Doc. Any comments?
Mark – who is laughing to himself

Hey Mark,
Allow me to commend you on an excellent job of handling this philly.

First of all, you actually waited an entire week to call her. This of course is the proper procedure according to “The System”. Unfortunately, 97% of guys never wait more than 48hrs at the most to call a girl after they’ve first gotten her phone number. And plenty of them call the same damn day!

As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “The majority is usually wrong.” (Remember only one third of the American Colonists wanted to break with England.)

Way too many guys are like salivating greyhounds at a racetrack, chompin’ at the bit to get at that bunny. The average guy has no comprehension of the importance of building a sense of mystery and Challenge with a woman, especially in the beginning.

And kudos to you too, Mark, for not coming on like Mr. Big Spender to try to impress this chick. The pick-up truck instead of the Lexus was a great idea. By following “The System” and down playing your affluence you were able to bust this babe. She’s obviously a full-blown mercenary. A 24 Karat Gold Digger.

The first few dates are a time when two people are checking each other out to see what kind of potential is there. It’s way too soon to be bringing flowers and gifts as your former date mate was expecting, or shall I say demanding.  And it’s also way too soon to be going out for expensive dinners.

Keep in mind that a woman with high Interest Level in you AND a flexible, giving attitude could have a fun time getting to know you while sitting at a bus stop eating peanut butter sandwiches.

But this gal is one spoiled little missy. Since she’s such a hottie, of course, legions of guys are tripping over themselves to get a chance to suck up to her. So she’s not used to NOT being put on a pedestal. You certainly got to her and good riddance I say! Can you imagine what it would be like to be married to this broad? She could out nag Joan Rivers.

The only mistake that you made was that you gave into pressure from your peers and called her again after she had disqualified herself from the contest to win your heart. Her horrible attitude aside, she failed “The Smooch Test” and once a woman fails the “The Smooch Test” that’s it. Over and out. No calling her back, period.

But hey, Mark, overall you did fantastic. And I’m delighted to hear that you got in a couple zingers before you gave her the big Adios.

Remember guys, don’t listen to your friends, listen to me.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”