Women are very adaptable, and if you take things too far, just remember to diffuse the situation quickly and learn from it.

Once she sees that you were just using your cocky attitude on her, she’ll most likely bounce right back.

Unfortunately, too many guys will turn into insta-wuss and start apologizing for what they said.

Don’t do that!

Continue on, just back off a bit of the hardness of your talk.

She’ll stay with you.

I recommend that you DO NOT do something expensive and typical like going and picking a woman up, taking her to dinner, etc. for a first date.

Instead, either:

1) Have her come to your place, and leave for a cup of tea from there.

2) Meet her at a coffee shop that’s CLOSE to your place, and if she flakes out, you can still enjoy yourself and you’re not far from home.

Another rule of thumb I have is to not make a date too far in advance.

I’ve found that often times, you can call a woman up and say “Let’s go get a cup of coffee RIGHT NOW”.

It’s rare that I would ever make plans more than a day in advance… this also helps prevent flaking out and canceling your date.

Dear Dr. Neder,

I was in a long distance relationship over the internet and it ended 5 weeks ago. Basically I screwed up in silly ways and hurt her. I quit for a day, but came back and after staying away for another day she added me again during that first week (she said she’ll always love me.)

Over the next week or so I tried to put things back together with her. I asked if she needed time and space and she said yes because she wasn’t over things. We both were/are in deeply love. I was talking about our relationship with other regulars on the site and I know she hates that. One guy ratted me out about saying things to her claiming that we’ll only be “friends” and well I finally just stayed away for a week and a half and came back last Friday.

I know she still feels the same and eventually will consider taking me back. She’s a flirt and obviously has been naughty since, even if it means nothing that side of stuff.

I know I should just give it more time, but when I see her online I try to be strong and make it look like her flirting doesn’t bother me, but I can’t seem to help myself and I contact her again. I know she thinks we are meant to be (even if we’re in totally different countries.)

I’d like your advice on what she’s thinking and some suggestions as to how to handle this with her. Do I just need to try to back off and give this more time?

Hello!

Being in a long-distance relationship means that you were in no relationship at all. The “relationship” existed only in your head – nowhere else.

First of all, I don’t read minds, so I can’t tell you what she’s thinking. The only one that knows that is her. You’re going to have to go ask her.  Now, let me ask you: what do you really want from me here? Do you want me to help you perpetuate this fantasy you have? Do you want me to tell you how to actually PREVENT you from having a REAL relationship with a girl right there in your own backyard with all the richness that you deserve?

I’m not going to do that. This long-distance thing is absolutely ridiculous. You may FEEL like it’s something, but it’s not. It only exists in your noggin.

If you can’t reach out and hold her hand whenever you want. If you can’t kiss her lips or hold her when she needs, you have nothing.  Even worse, you’re actually PREVENTING yourself from finding someone that you could have these things with! You think you’re in a “committed relationship” (or were) with this girl? No, you’re not. It’s simply not reality, and I’m not going to help you continue this unhealthy, cruel fantasy.

Best regards…
——————————————————————
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Dear Doc,
Your “System” has been guiding me, but I’ve never had this happen before.
Here’s a little background. I’m 33 and what I’d call handsome in an offbeat kind of a way. I’m a successful screenwriter and I live in the Hollywood Hills in a big beautiful home with an edge pool that I designed myself.

This girl I went out with is quite attractive, 5 ft. 7 in. blonde hair, blue eyes, flawless skin, slender maybe 110 pounds yet nicely curved, very intelligent and resembles Kim Bassinger, or maybe her younger sister if she has one. She is in her mid 30’s and has never been married. She lives near me in the same neighborhood.

I did everything according to your “System.” I was the quintessential well-mannered, well-dressed and polite gentleman.

I met her at a party and waited over a week to call her. The first date was a weeknight walk in the park and a meal at an inexpensive restaurant with great atmosphere near the ocean. I have a new Lexus but picked her up in my older but clean Ford F-150 pickup truck instead.

Seven days later I arranged for supper at a Mexican restaurant and then a movie at the ‘dollar’ cinema. I paid for everything.

I tore up her phone number when she refused to kiss me after that second date. Buddies of mine who had seen her said I was completely nuts for getting rid of her.

I got ragged on so badly that I relented and looked her up in the phone book to call again except I waited a full month to call her. I figured that if I was a super Challenge that she might possibly ‘crack.’

I suggested that we meet at the free jazz concerts at the city amphitheater for a brown bag supper and great music. She refused, saying she didn’t like ‘Jazz’. That was two weeks ago.

Tonight I unexpectedly ran into her at the local newsstand. We were both alone, so I stopped to talk to her and, boy, did she give me an earful!

She barely let me get a word in edgewise after the subject came around to our dates. She called me “CHEAP” and said that I “dislike women,” that I “don’t know how to treat women,” that she never dated a guy like me, that she expects a guy she dates to spend money on the date and not see how CHEAP he can be.

She said that she was used to having guys treat her with respect not like the CHEAP way I treated her. She actually said that if I was a REAL man that I would have brought her flowers and gifts. She said that I was a great looking guy but that I’d never meet a good woman using my unconventional dating methods.

She demanded I write something down and even searched her purse for a paper and pencil to give me, then she dictated: “Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray. “This is a book that I want you to buy and read.” Since she called me cheap so many times I thought I’d get a shot back at her so I asked if I could just borrow her copy. She said, “NO, it’s only $7.50.” So I asked if I could borrow $7.50 from her and she just glared at me.

But then she started at me again. “On our first date you spent less than $7 on me. And the date after that at the Mexican restaurant and the movie? You spent less than $20 on me that night. I called all my girlfriends and at work the next day I told all my co-workers how you insulted me. None of them had heard of such a thing!”

She went on and on with a passion I’ve never seen She is attractive enough to only date hunky ‘alpha’ males, even though I’ve never thought of myself as one.

I found it odd that she was so upset yet took the time to bend my ear for over a half an hour.

I seem to have really gotten under her skin .

I thought you’d find all this pretty interesting Doc. Any comments?
Mark – who is laughing to himself

Hey Mark,
Allow me to commend you on an excellent job of handling this philly.

First of all, you actually waited an entire week to call her. This of course is the proper procedure according to “The System”. Unfortunately, 97% of guys never wait more than 48hrs at the most to call a girl after they’ve first gotten her phone number. And plenty of them call the same damn day!

As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “The majority is usually wrong.” (Remember only one third of the American Colonists wanted to break with England.)

Way too many guys are like salivating greyhounds at a racetrack, chompin’ at the bit to get at that bunny. The average guy has no comprehension of the importance of building a sense of mystery and Challenge with a woman, especially in the beginning.

And kudos to you too, Mark, for not coming on like Mr. Big Spender to try to impress this chick. The pick-up truck instead of the Lexus was a great idea. By following “The System” and down playing your affluence you were able to bust this babe. She’s obviously a full-blown mercenary. A 24 Karat Gold Digger.

The first few dates are a time when two people are checking each other out to see what kind of potential is there. It’s way too soon to be bringing flowers and gifts as your former date mate was expecting, or shall I say demanding.  And it’s also way too soon to be going out for expensive dinners.

Keep in mind that a woman with high Interest Level in you AND a flexible, giving attitude could have a fun time getting to know you while sitting at a bus stop eating peanut butter sandwiches.

But this gal is one spoiled little missy. Since she’s such a hottie, of course, legions of guys are tripping over themselves to get a chance to suck up to her. So she’s not used to NOT being put on a pedestal. You certainly got to her and good riddance I say! Can you imagine what it would be like to be married to this broad? She could out nag Joan Rivers.

The only mistake that you made was that you gave into pressure from your peers and called her again after she had disqualified herself from the contest to win your heart. Her horrible attitude aside, she failed “The Smooch Test” and once a woman fails the “The Smooch Test” that’s it. Over and out. No calling her back, period.

But hey, Mark, overall you did fantastic. And I’m delighted to hear that you got in a couple zingers before you gave her the big Adios.

Remember guys, don’t listen to your friends, listen to me.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

Remember, a woman wants to feel secure that you’re not just “pretending” to be a cool, calm, cocky, funny, in-control guy.

This is why you’ll get tested in many, many ways… at many different times.

Just keep being confident and a MAN, and stop asking questions like “Should I give her a hard time about grilling me when my defences were down”.

That’s Wuss talk.

If you’ve done enough of the RIGHT things, you can slip a few times and do a few wrong things.

Just don’t make a habit of it, because she’ll be gone in a flash.

And by the way, DON’T BE BORING!

It is one of the biggest mistakes you can make.

Hi Doc,
I’ve been reading your column for close to 3 months now.  You’re the best!  I’ve found the advice in your articles to be extremely helpful (like a road map). I’ve asked my friends what they think of my situation and they’re stumped. So any advice of yours would be very much appreciated.

I’ve been dating a “10″ for about 5 weeks now.  She’s recently divorced (about 1 year ago) and a single mother of a 3-year old.  Physically, she’s a knockout, head turner, supermodel, whatever – she’s absolutely stunning from head to toe. I work at a gym and over the last few months I noticed she was quite receptive when talking to me and I had caught her “looking” a number of times.

Well by the signals I was getting, I knew I passed the physical attraction test, so I asked her to go for a run (light, friendly first outing). From then on we continued to see each other outside of the gym about once per week for a total of five dates. On each date, I made it a point to focus the attention on her with questions, keep my hands to myself, and make good eye contact.

Making sure not to call more than once per week, and only for a date, when I asked her for a 3rd date she said she had plans with a girlfriend. Then I offered the night after. She said she would get back to me the next day, as her plans for that night were “tentative.” Anyway, she left a message on my machine the next day and said she couldn’t go out with me because her tentative plans had become firm.  Drawing from your advice, I stayed cool and didn’t call her back.

On the 4th day after she left the message, she called me and said she hoped that I didn’t think she didn’t want to go out with me again. We then made plans for a couple days later.

She seemed really into me and each date thereafter went well, at least I thought.  I didn’t come on heavy in any way, shape or form. Light kissing, touching, nothing big.  She seemed really interested throughout all of our dates.

The problem is I’m not sure if I didn’t come on heavy enough. Using your principles, I bit my tongue a lot, stayed very patient, and went against my old instincts of jumping the gun.  But I hope that I haven’t played too hard to get.

After our last date we didn’t kiss or touch because her child was with us and I thought it might be better if I didn’t attempt anything.  Granted I don’t have any experience with dating mothers or divorcees, so I really can’t tell how well a date went when she brings her child along.  She brought her kid with her on the 3rd and 5th dates.

It seems that during a date with the kid along, the attention goes onto the child. So, you cannot clearly tell what is going on between just the two of us. The  dinner was good, conversation was friendly, and I felt the date went fairly well.  I left her that night by saying good night to her kid and her, and offering to give her a call.  She said yes and smiled.

She hasn’t called me (it’s been 6 days since our date and she has been the one doing the majority of the calling).  Also, she hasn’t been in the gym (only when I’m not there and she knows my schedule.) This seems odd as she was going at least 5 times per week when we first started dating.

Feeling like maybe I wasn’t showing enough interest and maybe turning her off, I left a phone message on the 5th day to see how things were going as she is getting ready to move into a new apartment this weekend.

It’s now the 6th day and I haven’t heard back from her.  Maybe I’m being paranoid but it seems like all of a sudden things have “shut off” like she’s lost interest. Any help or strategy would be greatly valued Doc!  Thank you.

Leroy – who is really confused

Congratulations Leroy, you’ve obviously made improvements in your dating skills and you’ve had some good insights.

As you mentioned, you really can’t tell how well a date is going when a woman brings her child along. During the first 60 days of dating, it’s vitally important that all your dates with a woman are with just the two of you, one on one. No double dates with other couples. And we don’t want any children, pets or one of her girlfriends tagging along either.

All these other people and animals have a high potential for compromising the romantic atmosphere. Plus, as you’ve experienced, it’s difficult to get an accurate reading on a woman’s Interest Level in you when she’s having to consider other people’s needs and expectations on the date. So Leroy, to have a new understanding about this issue is a big win for you.

But Leroy you’ve only been using part of “The System” and that is why you’ve only been partially successful. I’d have to give you a “C” grade in the Challenge department. But a “C’ is just not going to cut it with a ‘heavy’ like this girl. We’ve got to get your performance grade up to the “A” level.

So let’s start by clearing some things up. You mentioned that you were concerned that you might have turned this girl off by not showing enough interest in her. Leroy, you’re not supposed to “show” interest. She already knows that you’re interested in her. Why?  Because you keep asking her out! If a woman kept calling you every week and picked you up at your house and paid for everything, would you wonder whether she was interested in you? When you do those things for her, she knows more than enough about your level of interest.

So the “problem” is not that you didn’t come on heavy enough. The problem is that SHE didn’t come on heavy enough! You can not raise a woman’s interest level by coming on strong, either verbally or physically. When and if she decides that you’re the one, SHE will start getting serious. She’ll come on to you. You see Leroy, in a sense, you have nothing to do with whether that happens or not. The Reality Factor says that the man does the picking but the woman does the choosing. The way you motivate her to choose you is by you being a Challenge – all the time.

Now let’s get down to the more sticky issues. You need to go back and study more because you’ve made some serious telephone blunders. First of all, when you called for your third date with her and she turned you down, you jumped right in with a counter offer instead of waiting for her to come up with a counter offer. By doing that you made yourself look too eager, like a guy who just got out of prison.

Then you really dropped the ball by allowing her to “get back” to you. Plus you accepted a ‘maybe’ date. That’s very weak. By doing that, you let her know that you’re ‘on call’ for her. You let her know that she has no competition. You’ve got to learn to become more mysterious and less available Leroy.  In love, you do not get what you deserve but what you negotiate.

Now let’s deal with the situation as it is. Since it seems as if your girl has backed off, it’s time for you to back off more. Don’t worry about whether she calls you or not. Don’t worry about whether you see her at the gym or not. These are non-issues.

Wait another week and then get her on the phone in person (do not leave any more messages.) Then ask her out for another date on a weeknight, without the kid. If she enthusiastically accepts the date, take her out and be more of a Challenge. Keep studying “The System” to gain more insight into how to be a Challenge while you’re in the trenches. And keep in mind, that if the relationship is going to move forward, only the woman makes it happen.

Remember, guys, you gotta’ keep ‘em guessing.