Dear Doc Love,
I am a tad troubled by what I’ve been reading in your column. You talk a lot about what to do to find and keep a girl, but you don’t seem to address the issue of whether or not girls enjoy being abused. Unfortunately, with many girls, this is becoming all too common.
I recently ended a relationship with a girl whom I treated very nicely the entire time I was with her. I treated her to meals, I talked to her with respect, and I was caring and tried to be comforting whenever she encountered difficulty or stress. All my friends attested that I treated her wonderfully.
She told me that before she dated me, she dated a guy who abused her regularly. He regularly threatened her with a knife (by placing the flat end of the blade on her neck), he slapped her constantly, and he always belittled her. How long was she with him? Two years. How long did she date a decent guy like me? Three months. There is something wrong with that picture.
I asked her why she was with him for so long since he was abusive. She responded with “I thought then that I deserved it.” With me, she never thanked me for taking her anywhere, got mad if I tried to be helpful and comforting, and towards the end, before she left, she was very abusive to me.
This raises the question: Do girls prefer to be kicked around or treated with respect? Friends of mine have had this same problem with their girlfriends. And if my friends and I have had that problem, then bet on the fact that most other men (or at least a good number) have experienced the same problem as well. Given how common this is with females, this topic should be addressed, and it is my hope that you will the address the topic in your column ASAP.
Armando – who is tired of not being appreciated
Dear Armando,
What did you expect from a girl like this, a picnic in the park? A woman who has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasn’t had therapy and recovery) is simply not good relationship material. You want to avoid this type of woman at all costs because you don’t want her becoming the mother of your children. As soon as any woman whom you’re dating starts telling you stories about how her ex boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her or stalked her, head for the nearest exit.
If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well. She may think that what she wants is a good man, but a good man will never (and should never try to) provide her with that constant sense of dread and drama that her sick soul thrives on.
What almost always happens in this situation is that the new guy starts earnestly trying to prove that not all men are bastards by being extra nice to her. Then she winds up dumping him because he somehow just doesn’t light her fire. Sound familiar Armando?
Only if a woman from an abusive background has done some serious therapeutic work to recover from her addiction, will she be able to sustain a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. There are tens of thousands of women out there (and plenty of men, too) who have grown up with abuse and feel comfortable only in destructively dysfunctional relationships.
Even people who have had a fair amount of therapy and counseling, often unconsciously slip back into old self-destructive patterns. It takes real commitment and determination to break free from this kind of unhealthy behavior.
So Armando, do women like to be kicked around or do they like to be treated with respect? It’s not a black and white issue. Some women, like your (ex) girlfriend, do like to be “kicked around.” Fortunately there are plenty out there that don’t.
But Armando, you need to look at the role you chose for yourself in this relationship. You’re complaining about how your ex is attracted to abusive men. Well wait a minute. She was disrespectful and abusive to you and you stuck it out with her until she dumped you. You need to ask YOURSELF: “Why did I stay with someone who treated me so badly? And how can I judge her so harshly for staying with an abusive partner when I did the very same thing?”
Now, Armando, allow me to clear up the rest of the picture for you. We know that women who come from an abusive home will re-enact that same scenario in their relationships as an adult. But how do we explain the behavior of thousands of women who would never be with an abusive man, but find themselves drawn to guys who don’t always treat them so well, guys who have little or no respect for women?
In order to explain this phenomenon, I’m going to divide the pool of non-abusive men that a clinically sane woman has to choose from into three distinct categories. Many men do not necessarily fit into only one of these categories, but I’m rigidly dividing them for educational purposes.
First, there is a large percentage of men who are not a Challenge at all. We call this type of guy The Nice Guy or The Wimp or the Teddy Bear Guy. This chap wears his high Interest Level on his sleeve. He’ll do anything to gain a woman’s approval. He’s needy and clingy and is always trying to please and impress. He’s too open and too vulnerable too soon. He’s overly considerate and places the woman’s needs before his own. He’s often so whipped and brainwashed with political correctness that he even does things – like asking a woman for her permission to kiss her.
You get the picture. This is not the type of man who fuels women’s romantic fantasies. He is not a turn on. – in fact, quite the opposite.
What turns women on and gets their juices flowing is a guy who is self- assured and self-sufficient. A guy with a strong ego who goes for what he wants without asking permission. A guy with healthy boundaries who is capable of setting limits and saying “no” to a woman when it’s appropriate. Women want a guy who is also somewhat unpredictable, mysterious and full of surprises.
The man that women dream of combines all the qualities of this confident individual, along with a capacity to love a woman deeply with an open heart (after she proves she’s trustworthy). I call this second type of man The Positive Challenge. All men should aspire to be a Positive Challenge in their relationships with women.
Then there is the third type, who, beyond having a healthy ego, is self-obsessed, self absorbed and just plain selfish. He’s a user, a taker, and not a giver. He only says “yes” to a woman when it suits him. His heart is closed off. He doesn’t keep his word. You can’t count on him. You can’t trust him. He’s TOO unpredictable. But many women find him alluring because he can’t be controlled and he’s anything but boring. He’s known as the Jerk or the Rat or the Bad Boy. I call him The Negative Challenge.
Unfortunately, because so few men are a Positive Challenge, women who would never be with an outright abusive man are frequently forced to choose between The Wimp and Mr. Negative Challenge. And when forced to choose between those two, women will take Mr. Negative Challenge over the Wimp most often. Why? Because they perceive Mr. Negative Challenge, however problematic he may be, as STRONG and The Wimp as weak. And women place an extremely high value on strength qualities in a man.
This is why you hear so many men complaining that women don’t appreciate a nice guy and that they prefer to be with jerks. Women are dawn to strength qualities in men FIRST. Sensitivity and sweetness is appealing when added as dessert, but an entire meal of cake frosting is nauseating.
Just remember that women, particularly the beautiful ones, are sick to death of the endless number of men who are constantly catering to their whims. They’re desperately weary of always getting their way with men and are hungry for a Challenge even if he doesn’t come in the ideal form.
Now let’s leave The Wimp out of the equation and give a woman the choice only between Mr. Positive Challenge and Mr. Negative Challenge. In this situation, the greater the woman’s self esteem, the more likely she would be to go for Mr. Positive Challenge. If her self-esteem was so-so, then she might go for the guy who was somewhere in between the two.
Now that you’re single again my advice to you, Armando, is to no longer go out with abusive women who’ve been abused. Treat yourself with love and respect by finding a woman to date who is sweet and loving. And study “The System” to learn how to be a Positive Challenge.
Remember, guys, all women love a Challenge.
