If you want to pursue a ‘relationship’ relationship, then you might want to actually start doing a sweet, romantic thing or two every once in awhile.

A card, a flower, etc. is all it takes to communicate your message. But use them wisely, and don’t start acting like a needy wussy!

Also, when you start saying things like “I was thinking about you”, “I really like spending time with you”, and other lovey talk it says the same thing.

Again, use sparingly… especially with independent women!

And ultimately, if you want to actually have a real, honest-to-goodness relationship, then tell her how you feel about her.

If you think she’s worth having a relationship with, then you’re going to need to take the risk at some point of telling her.

Hello Dennis,
I just came across your site. I am getting your book tomorrow.

In the meantime, I met a beautiful young lady three weeks ago through a friend. She never says no if I want to see her and enjoys while we are together. I haven’t kissed her yet, because she said she needs more time before she’s ready for a relationship. I don’t want lose her. I like her a lot. What should I do? Is she being honest? How can I tell?

Her background: she broke off an engagement late last year because the guy wanted her to move to another country where he has a wealthy family. She didn’t want to move away because her mother, brother and couple of her sisters live here.

Is she just respecting the friend who introduced us? Can you help clarify this?
Thanks!

Hello!
I’m glad you’re going to get the book – it’s going to help you in some very profound ways. The first way is to better understand that this woman is playing you.

Consider this: if you were Brad Pitt, or Tom Cruise, do you think she’ be holding you off from just kissing her? Would she tell them that she needed “more time”? Of course not! There IS a reason why this is happening.

You invite her out, put on your big red nose and floppy shoes, entertain her for an evening where she doesn’t have anything else going on and you probably pay for it all too! Then, she shakes your hand and goes home with her “ego bag” filled by your attention. My brother, that is NOT a good sign.

I know that she seems sweet and nice and everything, but NEVER listen to what a woman says – ALWAYS watch her actions! That says more about things than anything she’ll ever tell you.

I tell men that they should ALWAYS get AT LEAST a good night kiss on the first date. I don’t care what her problems with the engagement were. If she were really in love with this guy, she would have followed him to the ends of the earth. Now, she’s making YOU pay for it? Come on my brother – it’s time to wake up.

Here’s my advice: first, get out and get a few other women’s numbers. Once you have some other prospects, she isn’t going to seem so important. That’s not to say that she won’t be your primary interest, just that she won’t be your ONLY interest. Start dating these other women. This gives YOU the power. Then, if she won’t move ahead; the problem won’t be yours (like it is now), it will be hers.

The next time you go out with this girl, KISS HER! What’s the big deal with a kiss? Yes, you’re afraid of her rejecting you, but don’t look at it like that – look at it for what it is. You’re interviewing HER to see if SHE is worth your time (and money, etc.) If she “proves” not to be – do yourself a favor and move on.

Good luck, much love…
——————————————————————-
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more information about my book, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World”, visit: www.remingtonpublications.com

Dear Doc,
As I’ve been reading your column over the last several weeks I’ve learned a great deal. Especially about the many unacceptable ways that some women treat good men and how guys let them get away with all kinds of unloving and disrespectful behavior.

Now, when I look back at all my dating adventures over the last ten years, I can see that I was getting the short end of the stick so many times. I realize that I put up with all kinds of crap because I was just so happy that a cute girl was spending time with me.

Even if a girl broke a date with me I’d keep calling her back for more abuse. In fact, I hate to admit it, but once I even drove for an hour and a half to pick up a girl who had already stood me up once before. She wasn’t there the second time either, big surprise huh?

And now I can also see that more than once I wound up in a relationship with a girl who seemed to really like me but actually had what you call low, or at best mediocre, Interest Level.

But what’s even more depressing is that now I can see that I may not ever have had a girlfriend who had a truly high level of romantic interest in me. I don’t think I even know what that looks like. Pretty pathetic I guess. But I know I’m going to be more successful in the future because of the new awareness that I have, thanks to you and “The System.”

Could you just clarify something for me? How can you tell when a girl has authentic high Interest Level? What kinds of behaviors would she be exhibiting? How could I tell that her interest Level was really high and that she wasn’t just playing the part, using me, and biding her time until Mr. Jerk comes along? What kinds of things should I be checking for to know that she’s for real?
Stanton – who wants to know what love, is supposed to really feel like

Hi Stanton,
Thanks for your candor. It took guts to write that letter and I appreciate your compliment.

It’s great that you understand that there is a difference between low and high interest. Many guys don’t even know the difference between a woman with high Interest Level and a woman with low Interest Level. Why? Because they look only at their own feelings.

The primary prerequisite for a woman to qualify as a potential romantic partner is that she must have high Interest Level. This means that she has to have deep romantic feelings for you. She has to really, really dig you and think of you as her hero, her dream come true. If her Interest in you is not at a high level, then you are not going to be happy being with her. You’re going to have to work hard for little reward, and what good is that? Love should be light and easy. And only a woman whose Interest Level is in the 90’s (on a consistent basis) is worth being with for the rest of your life.

More often than not, when a woman has strong feelings for a guy, her Interest Level is high from the get go. To you Psych majors, she kisses on the first date. Soon after she meets him, she ‘knows’ that he’s “boyfriend material.” A different woman might meet the same guy and think he was a total dud. But somehow, this one particular guy rings this gal’s bell, and since he does, she lets him know it, both verbally and physically. Why? Because she doesn’t want to confuse him, or abuse him. She wants to make him happy.

Ok Stanton, so how does she let him know that she digs him? When a woman has found her knight in shining armor, how does she treat him?  What are the signs of high interest?

Here is a partial list of the kinds of things that she must do on a consistent basis in order for her to have an authentic high Interest Level in you:

She takes the initiative to stand or sit close to you.
She compliments you frequently.
She touches you.
Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you.
She is curious to know everything about you.
She endeavors to discover what’s important to you and what makes you tick, so she asks you a lot of questions about yourself, but not in an obnoxious, prying or pushy kind of way. (Of course you give her the absolute minimum amount of info. possible.)
She gives you small gifts.
She calls YOU and asks you out.
She makes a big deal about your birthday.
She cooks your favorite meal at least once a month.
She builds up your ego.
She’s supportive
She’s consistently loving and affectionate.
When you’re sick she is your dedicated nurse.
She often turns into a playful little girl when she’s around you.
She respects your opinion.
She asks you for advice.
She’s consistent and dependable.
She keeps her word.
She’s never late.
She’s fiercely loyal.
She backs you up when the chips are down.
She doesn’t put you down in public or nag.
She doesn’t compare you to other guys.
She makes you feel like a better man than you know you are.
Her knees buckle when she kisses you.

She thinks it’s great that you go out with your buddies once a week.
She doesn’t try to control you as much as other women do.
When football is on she knows not to talk and ask dumb questions.
Every girl in town thinks you’re ugly as sin, but she thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
She thinks that your beer belly is made of muscle.
When you say “Honey, tomorrow morning you and I are going to rob the local bank at nine o’clock.” She says “I’ll be ready?”

Ok men; let’s be honest. How many of these traits does your main squeeze have?

Remember guys, if you want to be happy for the rest of your life only choose a gal with high interest for your wife.

Hi Rob,
I know nothing is free in this world anymore. So I would not expect that you reply to my email, but will give it a shot.

As for those “paid by a minute advice’, they could be great, but I have to see what I am buying first.

Anyhow, I am a single woman, 45. So what is my problem?

I don’t know and you hope you will help me to figure it out.

To start with, here is unbelievable fact- except one time only NOBODY ever approached me in my entire life with romantic intentions. Of course I do not count when I was a teenager  and met my first husband at 17 and married him shortly after. I was married for 15 years and we eventually grew apart.

I married my second husband at 33, I met him online. I left him  4 months later as he started to display controlling, potentially abusive  habits. My first husband was verbally abusive.

I met my third husband online and we got married after just 3 months dating. After 4 years of marriage we divorced and remain friends. The reason for divorce was that he wanted to move to another state where I could not find a job.

As you can see, one time only, at my sweet 16 I actually met someone, vs. met on-line. I have been dating on and off and met them all online.

I refuse to understand why no one would approach me with romantic intentions in real life.

First I thought it was my looks- you could never guess my age, as at 45 I am mostly mistaken for someone who is about 30, slender and wrinkles free.

I thought guys are confused.

One of my friends said that I intimidate guys, as I am pretty and have body of 20 years old, cute accent.

If that was the truth, pretty women would have always remained single. I am friendly, always smile and  can easily start a conversation with anyone.

So what is my problem?

I am tired of being single ( 2 years now), and don’t want to date online again. I am not stuck up, I am nice and people always tell me that this is the first impression they get after talking to me just for a few minute.

Help to figure this out.

It seems like everybody, thin and big, ugly and pretty, smart and stupid got someone. Why not me? I don’t think I can carry on single for long. My kids are grown up. and I am very lonely.
Thanks,
Lonely and losing hope.

Hi Lonely,

One of the oddest truths in the world is how lonely it is to be a beautiful woman. Include women with brains too.

I have heard from good looking women a lot, smart women too.
Men just are afraid to approach women that are “out of their league” and that’s why you are in the position you are.

It’s hard to believe but true.

Good looking women are often lonely and unfulfilled an you are in this category too.

I think that you have a lot to learn about yourself and that is why you’re single again.

To make this a short while (not much more than the past two years anyways) I suggest the most likely of things for you… find a group/charity/organization that you believe in and volunteer a couple of hours a week of your time.

While I believe that online dating works, it can be time consuming to find the right type of guy to be with.
And getting dates through friends is a daunting task at best and at over 40, it’s hard to find any great guys that aren’t already taken, whether they are good looking, smart, or the dog’s breakfast.

Please take my advice and “involve yourself” in a charity or other group.
Take a night class of something you’d like to learn, maybe cooking but I think rather, a conversational language course. Have you ever been to Spain? Maybe it’s time to plan a trip and learn the language at a local college/university/high school… where ever.

You don’t need to be single but you shouldn’t grab at the next available guy… take this time for yourself and you’ll find the right guy for you and keep your own intellect tested as well.

Best wishes,
Rob.

The problem is that most guys don’t have the confidence and choice that comes from understanding how to attract women anytime, anywhere… and they wind up settling for whatever woman happens to like them.

And they also tend to act like total Wuss Bags when they are in relationships because they have fear around the idea of her leaving.

If you see yourself here, it’s really time for a change, isn’t it?

Hi Doc Love,

I am just writing to tell you that I disagree with your article about the guy who needs to give a kiss to a girl on the first date to find out if she is interested.  A woman needs time to decide how she feels about someone. I usually don’t kiss a guy on the first date. To a lot of women, a kiss is special. They just don’t kiss a guy until they have romantic feelings for him.

Most of the time I pay my own way until I know I have romantic feelings with somebody and in that way, I know I didn’t use the person. I wait until I know how I feel. If a guy does what you say to do all the time, he’ll be scaring women off. Your article is just too simplistic.

Ginny – who thinks that you are definitely wrong

Ginny,

Let me ask you something, and be honest. Have you ever had the experience of meeting a man, and knowing instantaneously that you were attracted to him, that he was your type? Have you ever, in your entire life, kissed a guy on a first date? Of course you have. And why did you kiss him on the first date? Because you liked him! You wanted him. You desired him. When you know, you know. And, when you know that you like him, you want him to know that you like him. And what do you do when you know that you like him? You plant one on him when the moment is right. You see Ginny it is that simple.

But, when you ‘need time to decide how you feel,’ that means that you are ambivalent, and I don’t want my readers going out on second dates with women who are ambivalent. My boys deserve a lot better than that. When a woman’s romantic Interest Level toward a man is in that ‘so so, wishy – washy, iffy, kinda, sorta’ category, that just doesn’t cut it. We don’t want mediocrity. We want romance and passion. To continue to go out with a guy whom you have no passion for, is not only unethical, but a waste of his time and yours.

If your romantic interest in a guy is low enough for you to insist on paying your half of the dinner check and is also low enough for you to turn your head when he wants to kiss you, are you saying, that by the next date, that there’s a good chance that you’re going to feel different? Yeah right, and Bill Clinton has decided to become a celibate monk.

When you insist that the check be split down the middle, even-steven, you’re not allowing the guy to be the protector and provider, which is what you want him to be when you like him a lot. It’s unromantic to insist on paying your half. Unfortunately, most guys don’t realize that when a girl insists on paying her half of the dinner check on a first date, there’s no chance for romance. Instead they come back for more punishment.

Ginny, two hours of dinner conversation is plenty of time for you to use all your feminine intuitive powers to determine whether or not you’re attracted to a guy. If you’re not, then sure, don’t kiss him. But if you are, you will kiss him when he wants to kiss you. You’re high Interest Level won’t allow you to not kiss him. You’ll be afraid that he might not call you again if you don’t! As “The System” says: When a girl likes you, she shows you that she likes you.

Yes Ginny, a kiss is special. And it’s to be given to a man whom you think is special. So if you don’t think he’s special, then don’t kiss him. Just make sure that you don’t go out with him again if you don’t think he’s special. Isn’t that fair?

The only reason you’re paying your own way is so you won’t feel turning your head away when your date makes his move. But when you’re romantically drawn to a man, the issue of feeling guilty about not paying for your ’fair share’ somehow just doesn’t seem to come up.  My advice to you, Ginny, is to stop going out with men to whom you’re not attracted; because as you know, whenever you do, it never goes anywhere.

Remember, guys, a woman knows when she’s attracted to a man. And more importantly, she knows it when she first meets him, period.

Dearest Doc Love,

I have been reading your articles and I am sorry to say that I find your replies contradictory, to say the least. As far as I can tell, you seem to think that the ideal woman is one who kisses a guy the moment she finds him attractive and then falls into bed with him instantaneously – girl who is obviously a bit of a slut (in your eyes).

And you also say that a girl who doesn’t respond in this way isn’t worth it because she is obviously not interested. Ever crossed your mind that she might be a bit shy? Maybe even a little hurt by the last ‘great guy’ who trapped her into a relationship using a ‘strategy’ (oh, and then tossed her aside because she didn’t quite fit into the rules)? Or perhaps she hasn’t been dating for a while, so she might be unsure of how to go about these things.

I firmly believe in women taking control of their relationships, and I always offer to pay half the check on the first date. When I offer to pay the whole check, that makes a guy realize that there is no chance whatsoever. So what if Mr. Guy doesn’t feel like the great hunter/protector when I pay my half. I’m not selling out anything for a crummy mid-evening dinner at a mediocre restaurant. If I want to kiss the guy I will. I am not being paid to do it. Your comment on how ‘unromantic’ it seems for a woman to pay half of the check is way off. How romantic, exactly, do you expect things to be on a first date?

First dates are not when the ‘fun’ begins. First dates are about two tigers circling each other trying to work things out, one of the most nerve-wracking things you can do in your life! I actually think that “The System” that you teach is just encouraging exploitive ideas on how to treat the ‘fairer’ sex. I also think that people will find that your advice and these ‘ideals’ are rather antiquated.

Yours in anticipation

Christy – who thinks you, are full of it

Dear Christy,

If you went on a first date for dinner, with a guy you were nuts about, you’d be delighted to have the 99-cent special with him at Taco Bell. The quality of the restaurant would be a non-issue. You’d be jazzed to just be spending time with him. You’d find it cute and charming to be dining on inexpensive Mexican food. And I guarantee that you wouldn’t be insisting on paying your fair share. Why not? Because you liked the guy! If all women on earth stopped going out with guys that they have no or so-so interest in, and instead only accepted dates with guys whom they really liked, half the restaurants in America would fold.

And Christy, you say that if you’re not interested in a fellow, then you pay for the entire dinner check. I do not believe you. I think you are fibbing. No woman in modern history has ever paid for the entire dinner bill on a first date – ever!

Now let’s get something else straight. Any time a woman says that she’s “shy” or that she’s “been hurt in the past” as a reason for why she doesn’t want to kiss a guy, 98% of the time she’s running a con job, just like you’re trying to do Christy. It’s a bunch of hooey. When she says, “I’m shy,” it’s Womanese for: I have no romantic interest in you!

The other 2% of women who use the “I’m shy – I’ve been hurt in the past” excuse, are incapable of giving a gentleman a nice kiss at the end of a first date because they are wounded and mistrustful. So when a guy goes for the kiss, he’s weeding out the ones who are uninterested AND also the ones who are emotionally unavailable. In this way, “The System” acts like a filter to protect a good man’s heart.

And what’s all this about my saying that certain women are sluts. I have never used that word. I challenge you to show me one sentence in any of my columns in which I even mentioned that a woman should go to bed with a guy before marriage. Christy, all I’ve been talking about is kissing.  In fact, I’m the only love doctor who never talks about sex.

You also say that men trap women into relationships. Men don’t know how to trap. It’s women who have been trained in the art of trapping since they were adolescents. And “The System” has nothing to do with trapping anyone. I’m teaching men how to court a woman properly, for the highest good of all concerned.

A first date is like two tigers circling? Well, a guy and a gal who shouldn’t be going out with each other to begin with would probably feel like adversaries on a first date. But I think that a LAMB and a tiger would be a more apt description, and the woman wouldn’t be the lamb. There are just too many guys out there who get in over their heads, and they don’t even know it.

And what do you mean – a first date isn’t meant to be fun? The fun had better begin on the first date. If it doesn’t, why would a girl want go on a second date with a guy?

Christy, you believe in taking control in your relationships? What ever happened to the idea of sharing and caring, working things out, and balanced communication? Besides all of this, you think that my advice is outdated?  “Have manners, class, keep your hands to yourself and be a good listener.” If you think that those principles are antiquated, well, call me a dinosaur.

Remember guys, don’t listen to what women say, instead, listen to me.

Dear Rob,
I’m 23 and I just moved to NYC.

I recently started hanging out with a guy I met in high school then lost touch with completely.

I randomly got in touch with him about a month ago then for about 2 weeks straight we were texting each other almost everyday and hung out a few times.

Mostly platonic but a little cuddling involved.

We both admitted to having a bit of a crush on each other but I told him that I want to be single for a while because I just got out of a 4 year relationship.

He seemed totally cool with that.

Anyway, we hung out Wednesday night and it’s now Tuesday the following week. He hasn’t called me at all and only responded short replies to the 2 text messages I sent this week.

I really just want him as a friend, we had so much fun together. What’s going on?
Thanks, Susie

Hi Susie,
Your head isn’t on straight, is it? Cuddling leads to something and you’ve been leading this guy on with these “platonic cuddling” sessions.

Do you think that while he’s been holding you tight he’s just been too much of a wussy to push his hands down your pants?

He wanted more and you’re not willing.

It’s time to accept that you’re just not in the same place. Just don’t ask him to wait for you, it’ll kill him, he’s shown he wants nmore just by being with you… too bad he’s scared to move forward with you, he might have changed your mind about himself anf your attitudee about men in general too.

And do move on from him, you need to be in the right place before getting involved with an other guy even if “cuddling” seems safe and right at the time, which is just torture to most guys out there.
Best Wishes,
Rob.